The person who named Red Delicious apples should never be allowed to name anything again.
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I’d like to thank the municipal snow plow for recreating the wall from Game of Thrones at the end of my driveway
Remember, when you’re driving in the snow, it’s important to speed up and go as fast as you can so you don’t get stuck.
[restaurant]
WAITER: And to drink?
ME: I’ll have a coke and a pepsi.
WAITER: Is pep…um…Is cok…ok…Is…I…what..
*waiter spontaneously combusts*
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do busboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a boy loves a bus very, very much…”
Put a mirror on the ceiling.
She said.
It will be sexy.
She said.
Terrify yourself every morning.
I found out.
A dog walks into a bar. Then a bank. Then the dry cleaners. This is a dog world. Way to be productive, dog. Try to do the bar last next time
I’m tired of explaining myself. Someone else do it for me.
Kanye West tweeted that Bieber’s ‘What Do You Mean?’ was 2015’s best song.
The “…which wouldn’t happened without me” tweet coming soon.
Some people are glistening beacons of nope.
boss: what is the problem
coworker: [pointing to me] that guy stole my thesaurus
me: he peddles falsehoods
Never understood the desperation behind placing ur order in English at KFC/McD. Heard a guy practicing his order while sanding in the queue.
I walk around my yard a lot and usually I’m singing softly to myself as I do, which looks like I’m talking to myself because I’m not even listening to music, which is probably why people cross the street before they pass by my house
What I like about the world of Star Trek is it’s legal for any two thrusters to be engaged.
[God creating praying mantis]
Make an insect that does karate
Angel: k
Now make it bite her husband’s head off
Angel: dude we need to talk
When a patron comes into the library the Saturday after Thanksgiving and asks “What’s the right way to cook a turkey,” I know I’m being asked not to provide practical information but rather to get involved in a heated family dispute
ok so i’m watching gladiator and the romans are white people with british accents. ok hollywood. alright.
DATING TIP: Hold the door for your date. Rip the door off its hinges. Use the door as a weapon to fight off other men. Establish dominance.
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
I wanna see some BUTTS on da dance floor! ONLY butts. Detached from their owners, just kinda in a pile. In the middle. Nice. Good butt pile.
“well at least things can’t get any worse” has turned out to be a failure of my imagination
Do not drink and drive..
because there are people out there who text and drive…
and they will hit you and it will be your fault !!
Needed to buy a tarp and a saw so I threw in a paintbrush so the cashier would think more home project and less murder
The earth is moving, plz stop giving credit to the sun for rising
satan: welcome
me: this isnt so ba-
satan: put these on
me: are…are those jeans that didnt totally dry in the dryer
satan: enjoy
me: noooo
I decided to jog in place at a stoplight and got some really strange looks.
I should’ve just stayed in the car.
I hate it when I’m digging my own grave at gunpoint and I discover buried treasure.
My cat hissing at an empty chair is why I sleep in the attic.
me, realizes 5 is hiding behind the couch: what are you doing back there?
5: nothing…I don’t have scissors