Make friends at the park by telling strangers that you died in this exact spot 200 years ago today
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Stop listening to amateur meteorologists on social media! Get your weather predictions from chonky dirt rodents this week like the good Lord intended.
Wolfman: *Drinks a Coors Light* Noooooo!
Me: OMG you’re dying because Coors Light is called The Silver Bullet?
Wolfman: No this beer is just gross.
The man that loves to eat on a lounger by the pool is a manipooleater
Watching my second grader type is like watching paint dry while also watching grass grow all while watching a pot boil.
So UBER is not a dating app?
*sigh*
I kinda thought all those ‘Goodbye’ kisses seemed more awkward than usual.
Easiest and quickest way to get me to shut up, open my mouth and get on my knees is to simply make it rain Skittles.
The only difference between a psychiatrist and a drug dealer is that the drug dealer doesn’t make you wait an hour.
[Dorothy, years after Oz, recounting her adventures to her grandchildren]
DOROTHY: *Smiles warmly* When I was your age, I murdered a woman and stole her shoes.
[on date]
*okay don’t let her know you’re a T-Rex*
Her: Can you pass the salt please?
Me: Crap…
when someone tries to make you take a photo facing the sun bc it’s good lighting
WIFE: You overreact to everything!
ME: [phones police]
Gemma Correll
Keep your longtime co-workers guessing and questioning their self-worth by forgetting their names.
The easiest way to confuse a man is to wear a straight jacket that accentuates your cleavage.
The ocean is over seasoned. Too salty. Zero stars.
I’m just a girl standing here wishing I was as thin as my patience
All I do is answer emails all day. I don’t care whose emails. If I see an email, I answer it. No open computer is safe. My family is worried
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
“old Victorian houses are charming”
I AM WEARING THREE SWEATSHIRTS AND TWO PAIRS OF PJ PANTS UNDER TWO BLANKETS AND I AM STILL SO FRIGGEN COLD RIGHT NOW OK SO CHARMING CAN ***K RIGHT OFF
If you wear a Bluetooth phone piece in your ear, you can say “You’re an idiot” to just about anyone you walk past.
WAITER: Would you like Parmesan cheese on your meal?
ME: Yes
WAITER: Say when
ME: Well now makes the most sense
I’d rather be liked than loved. When you disappoint a girl who likes you, she’s less likely to make a pact with Lucifer to destroy your life
Me: Shut the hell up!
Her: Maybe you wanna take this outside?
Me: *checks weather app* Can’t. There’s a high pollen alert right now.
Just blocked everyone who is not in my gang so if you’re reading this, we’re robbing a bank in 12 minutes
[being strapped into the electric chair] Are you mad at me?
To make a long story short:
Hamlet: Everyone dies
Macbeth: Everyone dies
Titanic: Everyone dies
Twilight: You want to die
I’m surprised carving faces into vegetables after pulling out their innards isn’t incorporated into more American Holidays.
smoking a cigarette reduces your life by 11min unless you smoke it real fast then it only takes like 3 or 4
Sometimes I look at my 18yo daughter and I’m so proud.
She’s in college, starting her life and then I remember about 4 years ago she asked me what kind of tree pickles grow on…
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.