You can’t stop your dogs from barking by yelling at them. They’re just like hell yes we’re all yelling now let’s all keep yelling this is great
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no!! no!!!!!!
When they say shirts versus skins, they mean your own skin, not someone’s skin you brought from home.
[boarding plane]
ME: Shotgun!
COPILOT: Can he do that?
PILOT: Looks like you’re in economy today, Ted.
COPILOT: *clenching fists* Damnit.
[cat hospital]
Cat Nurse: Let’s get you prepped for surgery. *licks patient all over*
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I have bad news
ME: can you tell me what it is
DOCTOR: no I’m still too scared
“So what are you going to do?”
“Ask my boss for a raise.”
“Because what are you?”
“I’m a pelican.”
“And not a…”
“Pelican’t.”
“That’s right.”
“Thanks Marty, I really needed that.”
“No problem, buddy.”
I know exactly how President Obama feels. Every time my kids are forced to listen to me, they make angry Republican faces.
In pretty sure my wife’s most prized possession is her plastic bag full of other plastic bags.
english majors be like furthermore
How did harry potter get down the hill?? Walking .. JK Rownling
(Outside at dusk)
Wife: Lovely evening.
Me (Covered in mosquitos): Glorious.
It’s 2018, and Benjamin Button is still writing 2019 on his checks.
No, Store Security Guy, I’m not stealing anything
I just don’t know how to be in public anymore
I cleaned up my son’s playroom today and it’s so clean now that I’m not sure I want him playing in there anymore
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
Guinness Book of World Records should be in the Guinness Book of World Records as being the book with the most world records.
Me: What are you up to?
Her: I’m making Chinese.
Me: Cloning’s unethical. Hahaha just kidding. Make me a math tutor.
i still can’t believe that my senior class voted me “least likely to let things go”
[being taken hostage]
*tearing up* it’s so nice to have someone take an interest
I promised my kids a genuine New Year’s party: I’ll be putting on my biggest earrings and nicest sweat pants standing on a chair in the kitchen and dropping a ball on their heads
I’m a multitasker, for example I can be a couch potato and a baked potato at the same time
Him: [running his fingers through my hair] is… is this part of a cookie?
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend
Darkness: *rolls eyes*
Yawn in the club to see who’s checkin you out.
Hey, don’t blame me for all of the craziness in this world. I was raised by a green frog named Kermit, a diva pig named Ms. Piggy, and a brown bear named Fozzie who was totally wacka, wacka, wacka.
Starting a small business is too hard. I’m just going to start a big business then wait for some of it to fail
Co-worker at “Team-building exercise”: What the hell?!
Me: It’s called a “trust fall,” not a “trust catch.”
I couldn’t remember the term “hazmat suit,” so I called it a “science burqa.”
*Trying to converse at a party*
Me: Your hair and nails don’t really keep growing after you die- it’s that your skin is receding
Woman: Please stop talking and just make the balloon animals
Silence is golden. Unless they’re in the shower and you can’t find their phone.
In that case, silence is very very suspicious!