Did you seriously hire a mentally unstable person to drive our kids just so you could say he’s driving them crazy?
Me as a principal: Maybe
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Learn to negotiate like my 5-year old. Instead of asking, “Can we please get a kitty?” he asked, “Are we getting a kitty today or tomorrow?”
listen, i know shrek isn’t REAL, i was simply asking if it was based on a true story,
I would not hook up with the grinch but i would feel good if i found that he wanted hook up with me
HER: knock it off!
CAT: lol ok
I can’t have a boyfriend because my clean laundry goes on the other side of my bed.
“Ok, what chemical symbol should we give this Gold?”
*thief runs by, steals gold*
“Hey! You!”
Au, got it. Next element.
Cop: Hey U!
U: who, me?
Cop: no the other 1!
1: who, me?
Cop: both of U!
W: who, us?
Cop: Yes you!
U: Who, me?
Cop: No!
No: yes?
One bough breaks centuries ago and now it’s “uncouth” to hang my baby in the tree tops?
I always cut my 6 pack rings so they don’t choke any dolphins. If I’m gonna choke a dolphin, it’ll be with my bare hands.
What If When You Die They Ask You
“How Was Heaven?”
Uglier.
Angel: But, sir…
I SAID UGLIER!
– God inventing cycling outfits.
Saw a woman on a dating site who says she’s looking for God. I’m thinking she’s not His type.
I’m flying to my 30th high school reunion and I think I forgot to turn my stove off and also to be successful
There should be a horror movie where an item associated with childhood innocence is unexpectedly evil
Freezing bananas before they go bad is a great tip I learned 6 months ago. Now I have a freezer full of bananas
I long for the days when waking up with a “stiff one” wasn’t referring to my lower back.
You can make approximately 225 circles in a roundabout before the cops show up
If I have to be awake, everyone has to be awake.
– birds
Kids: It’s the first day of spring break and it’s not fair that we’ve been bored all day.
Me, barley conscious: It is literally 10 o’clock in the morning.
You’ll never know how creative you really are until you need to start lying to your kids.
Me: I will do anything to not gain weight this holiday season.
Friend: limit your food intake, don’t drink alcohol, and exercise.
Me: No, not like that.
Friend: You can’t believe anything in the papers these days. It’s all fake news.
Me: Even obituaries???
Friend: No, those are rea–
Me: [Already halfway down the street] Great news everyone, grandma’s alive!
[me, explaining my weird bedroom TV setup to my date]
We can watch whatever you want as long as it’s YouTube, Netflix, or any of the Jason Bourne movies b/c those are the only DVDs I own.
You gotta sprinkle in a few yeahs with those uh huhs or else they’re gonna know
The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did, she began running so I did, she screamed so I did. I never even saw what we were running from
My sister got my 5 year old some glitter slime- that’s right, it’s got glitter AND it’s slime.
She has kids of her own, so it must be that I wronged her in some life-changing and tragic way.
So I’ll be over here trying to figure out what I did to her.
#Caturday
Thick as shit.
I’ve reached a fork in the road, thank heavens it was laying right next to a pan of lasagna.
Brain cell 1: say have a nice day
Brain cell 2: nah say have a good oneMouth: Haven gice done
When I see a guy with a tooth pick in his mouth I’m like, wow. look at that guy. he ate most of a tree.