o: I want a tail
GENIE: ok
α: longer
GENIE: sure
q: LONGER
GENIE: dude
@: perfect
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[Me]: “I have hat-like reflexes”
[You]: Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
[Me]: *sitting on top of your head* “Nope”
*reading of my will*
Executor: ‘Ahem. Dearly beloved…and also to my immediate family…’
This Easter, please take a moment to remember Jesus and his inspiring message for mankind:
this independent good boy don’t need no human
“Where do escalators come from?”
“Well, when an Escalade and an alligator love each other very much…”
Before I got married people told me how hard the first few years are but not ONE person prepared me for him saying “I love you, no I love you more” over and over again to the dog every day when he leaves for work.
I’ve been training my family to be future Survivor contestants. If you can find food in my house, you can make it anywhere.
The only difference between you and Harry Potter is that his magic wand actually works OOOOHHH BURRRRN
ME: Ha ha bro why is your wife named Purse Phone?
HADES: That isnt… thats not how you say it
Can y’all please stop posting obi-wan spoilers? I’m not going to watch it I just don’t want to hear about it anymore.
Next time my 5 y/o says “Daddy, guess what?”, I’m going to refuse to let her continue until I can actually guess, even if it takes 7 years.
It’s kind of an ongoing competition between me and this cactus to see who can drink less water
The opening notes of “Yeah” by Usher sound like a straw going in and out of a McDonald’s soft drink cup
The person in front of me paid for my coffee and I had to do the right thing, so I ordered a donut also.
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
I always yell “FORE” when I’m throwing golf clubs out of my car at joggers.
Christ! How many beers did I have last night?!
one of
If you can pin an animal in the petting zoo down for a three count, you get to take it home.
Writing “and eat it” at the bottom of my neighbors’ little “pick up your dog’s poop” yard sign
ME, MEETING ANYONE NAMED BLAIR: Hi, I loved your Witch Project.
“My wife keeps mistaking me for Alice in Wonderland characters.”
“Are you mad at her?”
“Oh god, not you too”.
There’s no rule that says only fruit can be put in water infusers. But let me tell you, people get real weirded out when you put beef jerky and cheese in there.
*holds pen ready*
“How many zeros in one million?”
“Six”
“Ok, thanks”
*writes milli000000n*
me: I quit drugs to concentrate on rock climbing
him: nice what’s the highest you’ve been
me: I tried to kiss a goldfish
i do believe that bears are dangerous and anyone who thinks they can get close to one is very stupid. but i also think i am different and the bear would sense my loving spirit
Cop: why were you speeding
Me: Out of POLITENESS to the car behind me
I don’t just have a chip on my shoulder— I’ve got the whole potato
Not saying my inability to remember popular figures of speech killed my journalism career, but it was probably the last snail in the coffee.
Everyone is freaking out because I brought my own gavel to court, no one knows if I’m allowed to do this, the judge is crying