8: Mama, did you read this story when you were a kid?
Me: *smiling* Why yes, I did.
8: It’s a really old story then, I guess.
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Quote of the Day: “Life is but thought.” – Sara Teasdale
I once stayed in a motel that was so seedy, the Bible in the drawer only had 7 commandments
Jury duty
[Burps] Wow, excuse me.
Judge: You’re excu-STOP THAT!
I get Grumpy when I run out of Dopey.
[Sherwood Forest]
LITTLE JOHN: Go through it one more time for me
ROBIN HOOD: Ok…we rob from the rich…
LITTLE JOHN: Right
ROBIN HOOD: …and we give to the poor
LITTLE JOHN: And then we rob them
ROBIN HOOD: What? No! Why would we do that?
LITTLE JOHN: Cause now they rich.
If you’re out shopping today be nice to retail workers … it’s not their fault you waited until Marys waters broke before you started your shopping
me: hit me, daddy
poker dealer: don’t call me that
Dual Citizenship: citizenship of two countries concurrently.
Duel Citizenship: a contest for citizenship between two people with deadly weapons.
You: I’m so hard on myself.
People on the internet: Hold my beer.
1965~ Wow Cher looks good
1985 ~ Wow Cher looks good
1995 ~ Wow Cher looks good
2020 ~Wow Cher looks good
3035 ~ Wow Cher looks good
WIFE: [handing me crying baby] will u please change him
ME: ok
[drives to hospital]
ME: hi yes my baby is crying can i get a new one
How is it that a parking spot gets paid more per hour than I do
Hey everyone, I’m ABSOLUTELY obsessed with this new web series I’ve been marathoning where I non-stop refresh a worldwide coronavirus counter
Little does this young woman in the house behind mine who just closed the curtains know that it was the curtains I was looking at.
[first date]
Me: *don’t let him know you’re the Mona Lisa*
Him: You look nice tonight
Me: *smiles ambiguously*
One time I hooked up with this guy and we were laying there and it was raining and I knew he wanted me to leave because he said “I got something for you” and proceeded to pull out a disposable rain poncho
Tiger Woods? Do u mean the jungle?
If I’m so smart, explain to me why I can start the washing machine then five minutes later wonder where that running water sound is coming from.
Me: I’ve been tired for 10 years.
Kid: Hey, that’s how old I am!
Me: Weird…
Growing up was a huge mistake
{Olive Garden}
Husband:”Everyone is staring at us.”Me:(In a luchador mask and pink feather boa)”It’s probably because you said no cheese.”
I yelled, “what are you doing!?” and my 3yo threw her fruit snacks like she was running away from the cops.
Hot sauce has plenty of vitamin C! *slaps orange out of hand
INTERVIEWER: You worked in a NASCAR pit crew? How does that qualify you to work here at the Men’s Wearhou
*I’ve already changed his pants*
I saw a woman really screaming at her kids in public this morning, but in her defense, the kids were ugly.
Sometimes I make myself feel important by thinking in a British accent.
I could never be an Olympic sprinter because I couldn’t go 10 seconds without checking my phone.
podcasts
Fighting on twitter be like 🤣
The Force can make you lift a spaceship out of the swamp, but proper sentence structure teaching, it can not.