[on date]
Here, let me help you with your jacket!
*i gently remove her jacket*
This is mine now. Cya
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Lmao
Air Force now asking the public to help them find their camouflage uniforms.
“i used to live in india, now I live in indiana”
“is there a difference?”
“na”
Me: The worst thing about quarantine is that I’m running low on hot sauce.
BFF: Why you lying?
Me: i have a tummy ache so i been on the BRAT diet.
You: Bananas, rice, applesauce & toast?
Me *eating a bowl of bologna, rum, anchovies & tiramisu*: oh god dammit
Wife fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the floor tonight with the cat.
If people on Twitter found a horses’ head in their bed at least 3/4 of them would get a selfie with it before calling the cops…..
“help us improve instagram” nice try fix your own damn website.
YOU CAN’T BUY HOT POCKETS YOU CAN ONLY BUY COLD POCKETS YOU ARE EXPECTED SUPPLY THE HEAT YOURSELF DONT BELIEVE THE LIES.
Years ago, scientists knew barely anything about space! It was probably because those scientists were babies
Me : can you be my quarantine partner ?
Her : Hmmm …first , Show me your
stimulus packageMe : 🤦🏾♂️
Her : DO NOT TOUCH YOUR FACE.
[first day as co-pilot]
ME: Okay folks we’re going down
PILOT: [leaning over to unplug my headset] Good effort but it’s “we’ve started our descent”
PASSENGERS: [just losing their shit]
Nature : Earth is 95% full. Please delete anyone you can.
Corona : Got it.
me: [pushing cartful of candy to register]
clerk: wow you’re really prepared for halloween huh.
me: what’s halloween.
Nice try, operating instructions. Nice try.
I’ve got this.
*grabs a hammer*
I come from a long line of successful people.
I decided to stop that tradition.
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
If your kid’s shitty kindergarten drawing is hanging on your fridge, you are an enabler of mediocrity.
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
I don’t want to brag, but January was a decent year for me
What, I’m Asian?
*slides off Uggs & infinity scarf inside Starbucks*
*buys a bonsai tree*
Sorry boss…
You can either expect me to work well with others or pass a drug test.
It can’t be both.
before you ask, yes, he can legally do this.
Government Shutdown: Day 13
Anthony Weiner decides to help.
He takes a photo.
He tweets.
Congress now sees where balls are located.
mail is cool because 99% of the time it’s like a J.c. penney catalogue for a previous tenant and 1% of the time it’s something you’ll go to jail for if you don’t look at
I just saw the movie “A star is born” and if you think it’s about the solar system you will probably be as mad as I am rn
Her : I wanna be held
Me : Accountable or Hostage?
People find one band-aid and suddenly no one wants anymore of my homemade salsa.
[my kids walk in on me being murdered]
ME: call 911
KIDS: ok but then will you get us a snack?
I have a Polish friend who is a roadie for a band.
I have a Czech one too. A Czech one too. Czech one too.