Donald Duck is far too angry for somebody who never has to suffer pants.
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I can’t stop thinking about what my sister took away from Endgame
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
*having an ultrasound*
dr: baby is looking healt…hang on..
patient: omg what!?
dr: there appears to be an intruder in your womb.
patient: intruder?
dr: *yelling at stomach* TURN AROUND HE’S BEHIND YOU
nurse: umm i think she is having twins?
dr: *exhaling* oh thank god.
girl: tough guys are hot
Me:
*hawk lands on my bare arm*I have a gauntlet I just never use it
*hawk gnawing on my shoulder*
I love this
Your password must include 5 minutes of interpretive dance, 15 excerpts from contemporary fiction and 1 word made up by Shakespeare.
I love when fanfic writers write about seedy nightclubs because you can tell so instantly that they have never in their lives been inside one.
It’s like a zoo lion dreaming of the savanna
Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.
How in the hell do people lose their children in a mall?
Seriously, any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
Son: Daddy are we poor?
Me: *scraping his macaroni art into stove pan* Did your mother tell you that?
It’s all fun and games until a metal flask falls out of your car in the church parking lot.
So glad I spent $50K on university instead of saving for retirement; I’ll be the most well-read indigent in the VIP area under the overpass.
I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough so anyways I’m having company over this weekend.
non-fungible…that’s when you’re allergic to mushrooms right?
INTERVIEWER: Says here you do magic tricks?
ME: *hands him back his business card* Is this your card?
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
Christina Aguilera named her baby girl “Summer Rain.”
I wish I was named after a Glade® air freshener scent.
My two year old demands that we place her floral print blanket on her shoulders and address her as “baby vampire” and read her “vampire books” (just regular peppa pig books but she’s dressed as a vampire) so I feel I’m parenting correctly
me: [nervously] how often do these things crash
flight attendant: just once usually
I have the financial security of a much, much younger man
My kids never meet a drink he couldn’t spill
I don’t invite ppl in bc that’s how vampire dens come about.
20 year old me)I’m going to be rich
30 year old me)I’m going to travel
40 year old me)I’m going to be a better person
50 year old me)I’m going to bed
my tinder date ended up being a bald mannequin i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the hotel
*turns on Barry White*
*lights a candle*
*dims the light*Doctor: So…have you ever had a rectal exam before?
I got soap in my shower beer again.
When I was 4 my dad got pulled over and I screamed “I have to poop!!!” and the cop let my dad go. When he took me to the bathroom my dad couldn’t stop laughing after I told him I didn’t have to poop, just didn’t want him to get a ticket. Sure hope my kids return the favor
Launched an important petition today. This is a cause that’s very dear to my heart
Me: I’ll just tuck this away so I don’t lose it.
Narrator: she would never find it again.
I’m not sure what my wife thinks I do in the bathroom, but I appreciate all her support
lil red riding hood: the Internet told me there are two wolves inside of you
granny: *sweating* haha what I don’t even have one haha who reads things on the Internet
murderer: run if you want to live
me: *starts sprinting*
murderer: not like toward me tho