When I’m trying to walk around in my house: Tripping over shoes nonstop because kids leave them everywhere
When I’m trying to get kids out of the house: No shoes to be found, a barren shoeless desert, a tumbleweed rolls by
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I hate it when cops pull you over to give you pop quizzes like “do you know how fast you were going?”Or “is that a raccoon smoking a joint?”
Marriage, when you drink as much as possible before your husband gets home so you can just drink 1 glass of wine in front of him.
Girlfriend: Are you crying?
Me: It’s a wedding episode…
Gf: But you don’t even like this show
Me: Yeah but at first the wedding was cancelled…but they pulled it together…because of love 😭
Rose petals? Next time scatter something I can eat.
“Put cheese on it.”
“It’s not-”
“Put cheese on it.”
“Really now, you-”
“Everything gets better with cheese on it.”
“Sir, it’s a BROKEN LEG.”
Writers of crime show blurbs are lazy. “She was missing and then her case took a shocking turn.”
It’s not shocking. I’m watching a show with murder in the title. I’d be shocked if she grew a third arm and joined the circus, but I’m fairly confident I know what’s up.
George Clooney and Brad Pitt fall in love and rob casinos together.
#ExplainAFilmPlotBadly
An octopus should have eightacles, not ten.
Diet day 1
I have removed all the bad food from the house.
It was delicious.
No I don’t want to watch the video on your phone. My phone doesn’t like me looking at other phones.
There is a dude in a fedora sitting next to you on the bus. Is he:
A. a ghost hunter
B. a virgin
C. a sword collector
D. all of the above
you dare??? even think??? of taking Jigglypuff’s Stick??
The most important meal of the day is the next one
8: mummy would you like me to give you a massage every evening
Me: you will inherit everything I own
“Here’s your cup of Joe” – Joe at the sperm bank
[watching christmas movie]
Me: who’s your favorite character?
Daughter: I like the grinch.
Me: but he’s the bad guy.
Daughter: maybe he stole Christmas only cause they wrote that really mean song about him first.
Me:
Daughter: maybe whoville had it coming.
‘Chicks dig scars’ I quietly sob after nicking my thumb on a cat food lid
I asked my kid what kind of animal he’d be, and he said he’d be a bird so he could fly to the North Pole, kill Santa, take over, and make all the elves his slaves. They’re just precious at 8.
Food shopping after I’ve eaten:
“That’ll be $56.93.”Food shopping when I’m hungry:
“That be $1,432.68. Do you need someone to assist you with your cart train?”
Stop blaming your parents.
You’re 32.
Blame your spouse.
“An apple a day takes Billion Dollars away” ~ Samsung
Worm: These early birds are decimating our population.
Other worm: I’ve developed some tech that’ll impede their early rising abilities.
Worm: What is it?
Other worm: I call it “a YouTube rabbit hole”
Video game dad jokes are the best dad jokes
Me: I’d like to bring my puppy in to see how much she weighs.
Vet: Just weigh yourself then weigh yourself holding her and subtract.
Me: no thank you
*stranded on a deserted island*
Message in a liquor bottle: BYOB
when swimming in the ocean always wear a hat so you don’t get sharks in your hair
[revenge plan]
*invent miniaturisation machine.
*shrink to tiny size.
*crawl all over sleeping spider’s face.
Maybelline claims to make eyelashes appear three times longer…..I think they should start making condoms.
I buy mixed berries because I like them, but really I enjoy eating blackberries with raspberries, and imagining that I’m eating the world’s tiniest chess board.
How did so many people gain weight during the pandemic when salad was the only thing stores never ran out of?