Men who claim to only watch the #SuperBowl for the ads are the same ones who say they only read Playboy for the articles.
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[Cops break down door]
Gang Leader: How did you find us?Cop: One of you left prints all over the scene.
Me: *Licking Cheeto dust off fingers* My bad.
[eulogy] “Before we get started I’d like to ask Jenny, Dawn, Rachel, the deceased’s 2 sons and the entire front row to put down your phones”
The homework is due on Monday.
“Can I get an extension?”
The homework is due on Monday.png
In the United States a man gets kicked in the groin every 6.2 seconds. I would hate to be that man.
Them: how are you?
Me: anxiety riddled and cute as a button… but like, a button that’s been at the bottom of a sewing bag since your grandma was in home ec
Pro tip: Never explain to your wife that it’s the washer and dryer that actually does the laundry.
I can still party like I’m 22.
Too bad I recover like I’m 82.
*still doesn’t understand when or why asterisks started indicating action*
Next door’s newborn has a really distinctive cry it goes “VVVVRRRROOOOOOOOMMMMMMM!”
It’s not a breastfed baby – it’s a formula one.
5 kept asking Alexa what time his friend was coming over today. he was getting pissed when she didn’t know the answer.
dude may be able to work a tablet better than me but it’s good to be reassured i’m still smarter.
You come to my house…on the day my daughter is to be married…and you ask me to do murder for money
My dad to me: When I was a kid, people would suffer paralysis and death from Polio.
Me to my son: When I was a kid, hand dryers barely did anything.
making up a lame excuse to bail on plans
– transparent
– not cool dude
– you always do this“i can’t go… because of the curse”
– woah
– sounds serious
– not gonna ask too many questions
– i’ll just cancel next week’s plans too, hope u get this thing sorted out
Based on the week’s events , I’d say aluminum foil companies will be having a banner year.
Doctor: I’m sorry, I did everything I could.
Grieving Family: We just can’t believe you wasted your time getting a PhD in Philosophy.
If the floor is lava, that couch isn’t gonna help you, kid.
it was easy to be a drug dealer in the 60s because dogs weren’t invented until 1978
I’m off to a 3yr olds party. There’ll be tears, tantrums and throwing up on the carpet. But enough about me, Im sure the kids will have fun.
Adult me must concede that a major contributor to global warming was kid me leaving the front door open and heating the whole goddam world.
Never thought I’d be the type of person who competes for attention. Then I got a cat.
Wife, lecturing son: You can’t just “wing it” your entire life
Me, later to my son when we’re alone: You actually can just wing it, you just can’t tell people that’s what you’re doing
It’s never been safer to eat the rich, at least you know they’re getting tested regularly
whenever the police put a mannequin in a squad car to slow traffic, I strategically place mannequins around town committing crimes
A smart woman knows when to give up and walk away
A southern woman has a shotgun and a shovel named give up and walk away
Today I made a lot of people at work upset by eating my burrito wrong so I figured… Why not spread the joy 🙃
look, men and women are BIOLOGICALLY different. ever since the cave man times boys have loved cars and girls have loved toy ovens
Tomi Lahren is pretty confident for a person whose first and last names are both misspelled
Some of you act like your mom never went out of town and left you with a babysitter, but the babysitter died and you had to get a job as a fashion designer and become caretaker to your 4 siblings, all while you fell in love with the delivery guy from Clown Dog… and it shows.
Drop it! Please, just DROP IT.
– My dog, whenever I’m eating.
My ex recently asked me if I wanted to be “Friends with Benefits” which is so psycho like dude I am a woman in her 30s, you can’t ask me something like that….I absolutely do not want new friends.