Being fat is when you watch Jurassic Park and wonder if dinosaur tastes good.
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added child seasoning to the list instead of chili, so that changes up next week’s menu.
Me: Donuts can cure a brain tumor.
Friend: But you don’t have a brain tumor…
Me: [ taking a bite of a donut ]
…EXACTLY.
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home.
I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening!
She laughed. I laughed.
Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
For the love of God, what is Jesus saving? Is it coupons? I bet it’s coupons
Any zoo can be a petting zoo if you’re really good at climbing fences.
Dishwasher broke, so now I’m washing them all by hand like some sort of motherless Disney Princess.
8-year-old: I upgraded my blanket fort.
Me: It looks the same as before.
8: I added more snacks.
Finally, some meaningful renovations.
“Honey, the baby sure is fussy. Why don’t we go see a movie after we goto a nice, quiet restaurant?”
I really don’t get Astrology but I just hope my daughter stays a Virgo until she’s at least 18.
Direct deposit: $1,400
Me: *wipes my tears away with real Kleenex instead of a stray cat*
The toughest part of any long distance relationship is the 6 hour drive to slash their tires.
detective: looks like the victim was pushed into the pond, let’s go pull him out
[ducks under the police tape]
detective: and get these ducks outta here
When Ted Cruz kisses a baby, its parents have to throw it out and start over.
when ur mom took the xbox away because you got a D- on ur report card and you went to your room, slammed the door, and turned this song up to full volume on the radioshack speakers so the whole family knew you were gonna be full of angst for the next several days
Imagine my surprise when I found out “restraining order” did not mean she wanted me to tie her up.
*while scrolling Facebook
I’m so glad Congress is going to make Facebook protect my data!
*clicks on “What Harry Potter character is your social security number?”
So to fix my shitty attention span I just need to read your list of ten different 400 page books on concentration…
One time I got so nervous when a guy took off his pants in front of me I said “friggity diggity” please do not rt
waiter: we don’t allow giraffes in here sir
me: I’m not a giraffe
waiter: I know I’m just telling you
Celebrity Parent: You guys were named after awards I won.
Emmy: That’s cool.
Oscar: Wow, interesting.
Sag: You know, you did win a Tony…
My 8yo niece: I have 6 boyfriends
ME: ok wow, that’s a-
Niece [interrupts]: I hate all of them
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
[first date]
ME: That’s a pretty name.
CASSIE: Thank you!
ME: Is it short for Casserole?
You may be little now, but don’t be discouraged. Someday, you’ll be a man just like me.
*baby starts crying*
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
My mom regularly mentions that I was a large baby
I turn 25 in two weeks
Him: you have 3 Starbucks coffees in your car?
Me: one’s for you
Him: and the other one?
Me: *remembering that I wanted to try a new flavor but also got my usual in case I don’t like it* I’m having an affair.
If I ever go to prison I will immediately go up to the biggest person and tickle them.
Wife “WHY ARE THERE MUDDY FOOTPRINTS ALL OVER THE HALL?”
[Me while trying to push a zebra up into the attic] Must be that damn dog again…
So Beyonce had a strict diet prepping for Coachella..no dairy, no carbs, no alcohol, no meat, no fish, and no sugar. I know some women with that same diet prepping for a wedding. You are marrying a guy name Dan who eats chicken pot pie at diners, ya’ll can have some bread.