Shoutout to the kitchen knob that grabbed the strings on my pants and undid them.
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me: sorry I have to go my, uh, cat is texting me
date: omg just tell me you’re not interested
cat still texting: THE GOOD LITTER HAVE I MADE MYSELF CLEAR
things that baffle modern science
1. Stonehenge
2. The Pyramids
3. How my liver is still functioning…
Me (seductively looking at a potato): would mash.
I needed some gas for my mower so I snuck over to my neighbor’s shed, on the gas can there was a note that said it’s empty go get your own gas Marc. So I took his mower instead.
This dudes dogs 😁battle cry
Spider 911: Hello
Spider: My friends and I were drinking heavily
Spider 911: That’s not an emer-
Spider: We decided to play Twister
Spider 911: Oh no
Spider: *crying* Help us
While Taylor Swift’s boyfriends were exported overseas during the Trump years, only during Joe Biden’s administration were we able to bring this job back to the United States.
sucks to be a bad guy in the teenage mutant ninja turtle world like
“who stopped u”
“turtles”
“huh”
“no they were like faster than normal”
I located my husband. He binge watched season 3 of Cobra Kai in one evening then left home to start his own dojo. Please respect my privacy at this time.
Sorry, your invitation got lost in the trash.
My toddler had a meltdown. I finally got her to use her words and she told me she doesn’t like the floor.
So. Yeah.
Let’s continue this argument later on when I’m alone in the shower and you’re not there to defend yourself
How the hell did Charles Manson get like 16 people to murder for him? I can’t even get two kids to brush their teeth.
Hot girl in the avatar, but no selfies in your pics.
I’m just gonna call you “bro” from now on.
My husband told my daughter he can’t flush his contacts down the toilet because it’s bad for the oceans and she thinks it’s because “humans don’t want sharks to see better.”
ME: Who’s haunting me?
EXORCIST: Your father
*thermostat mysteriously lowers by 4 degrees*
ME: Yeah, that checks out
Just one more chapter! (via @someecards)
I like to confuse people who give me the finger by responding with jazz hands.
[babysitting]
*calls Mom of kid* How long does your baby stay in the rain before it’s clean?
I brought my Beats headphones to work, and instead of being left alone, I’ve had 7 rap battles and am in the finals against A$AP Carol.
My cat just dragged in a half eaten sausage, I have no idea where he got it from but it tastes expensive.
I can do 50-100 pushups depending on how many weeks you give me.
Every once in a while someone comes along, and if you are really still they’ll eventually go away.
Ways To Win My Heart:
1) Be smoking hot
2) Be thin
3) Be a pig
4) Be bacon
Second grade gossip is so great, like how else am I going to learn that Greyson didn’t want to do the computer because it only had “books and shit” on it
Jesus Christ is trending? What the heck did he do THIS time?
The answer to the question, “do these jeans still fit” depends on whether or not I actually have to sit down at any point.
Nasa: Perseverance rover, status report
Perseverance: THERE ARE OTHER DEAD ROVERS HERE
Nasa: now calm down-
Perseverance: THIS IS A PLANET OF DEATH
I don’t use Tinder, I meet girls the old school way: never