Me: I’m not the same person I was when you met me.
Him: we met six seconds ago.
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I optimistically invited guests for this weekend while my house was unusually clean and now a week later I see why that was a mistake
My autobiography will be a single piece of paper that says ‘Ugh’
Call me cute and I’ll bite your kneecap.
I’m not technically a lawyer but I do have 3 court cases next week.
The only person who listens to me in my house is my dog, and even he pees on the floor sometimes.
“if anyone asks, i’ve been here the whole time”
“You probably can’t even tell, but there was an incident with the shower curtain”
I recently got invited to a party with lots of attractive people and learned that I am very good at being ignored by lots of attractive people
ANGEL: what are we gonna call the 11th month? I was thinking Vember.
GOD: no, no Vember. Vember is my ex.
ANGEL:
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, so this is gonna sound really petty but I just had an idea-
Nobody was healthier than my vegan, gluten-free friend Chad until the day that baby squirrel beat him to death.
ME: Hey bro you got toilet paper?
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Yeah [slides me toilet paper]
ME: No I don’t need any I’m just checking.
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Why?
ME: Because I care.
Gave our gerbil a piece of kale from the garden. Now it’s complaining about gluten and begging for its own little pair of Uggs.
Shout out to political bumper stickers, changing nobody’s mind and lowering the value of your car and whatnot.
If you missed any of the most recent presidential debate, you can catch one side of it on any given Facebook friend’s page.
My neighbors had the nerve to say I give them creepy looks but I don’t understand how they can see my eyes behind my binoculars
Her: I wish you would surprise me sometimes.
Me: *shedding my human skin to reveal I am actually Nergal, Mesopotamian God of death*
Her: No, not like that.
Men: nothing is sexier than a woman with a great sense of humor
Also men: except, like, a really sexy woman
“let’s run away together” babe no we have dishes to do
Me: *winks*
Him: *googles signs of a stroke*
Human: we have a color named after you!
Salmon: really? is it silvery blue like my outsides?
Human: no, uh–
Salmon: wait why is it pink?
Human: …
Salmon: WHY IS IT PINK
No thank you, shower sex. I’ll just step out of the shower and injure myself the old fashioned way.
The weather forecast should include the percentage of answers blowing in the wind
The worst part about getting Covid was losing my ability to smell what The Rock was cooking. 😕
When our friends got married in Thailand, my girlfriend was so sure we were invited she booked flights and hotel. Turned out it was immediate family only, so we spent 4 days hiding from them on the resort until they left, and to my knowledge they still have no idea we were there.
Mornin
6: *Being particularly affectionate at bedtime*. Mommy, do you want a back massage?
Me: Sure, buddy! My back is sore. That would be nice.
6: Maybe because you’re getting old, mommy.
In case you needed a reminder about how brutally honest kids can be.
Well, if anything, the Mayans DID teach us ONE valuable lesson.
If you don’t finish something…it’s really not the end of the world.
Cop 1: There’s been another murder
Cop 2: I think I see a pattern emerging
Cop 1: Please. Put your knitting down and focus
Friend: Those are really big sprinkles on your cupcake.
Me: They’re ibuprofen.