Mom: So, do you have someone special in your life?
Me: Define “someone”
Mom: You know, a boyfriend.
Me: Define “boyfriend”
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Fridge smart enough to tell me l left the door open but too lаzy to just close it for me. Worthless.
Cheers to all who skipped that one dish at Thanksgiving because you just didn’t trust the person who brought it.
Me: I choose Truth!
Him: What is the most time wasting app on your phone?
Me: …I choose Dare!
People who live in glass houses probably have a lot of squeegees.
Free cake in the break room and these people turn into cheetahs on a gazelle.
I think Pam from Accounting died.
She wasn’t strong enough.
I ate a cliff bar before bed, now I can’t stop dreaming about hiking
My doctor says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body helps prevent cellulite.
Apparently, you can’t do it in Starbucks.
And now the cops are here…..
Her: so, are you seeing anyone?
Me: nope, it’s just the voices.
It should cost $87 to leave someone a voicemail.
At conference w/ teacher
Me:…what’s wrong with how 7yo spells states?
Teacher:(to 7yo) spell Ohio
7yo: Ohio, O-H-I-O, Ohio
Teacher: good, now spell Oklahoma
7yo: (sings) Oklahoma, O-K-L-A-H-O-M-A, Oklahoooooooma, YEAH!
Teacher:
Me: what? That’s how I learned it
#Dadlife
Nice try Jehovah’s witnesses, but dressing up like the police and saying you have a warrant isn’t going to get me to come to the door.
If you find my upper lip mole sexy, wait till you see the dark spot on my MRI.
4-year-old: Why do robbers steal money?
Me: So they can buy stuff.
4: Why don’t they just steal the stuff?
She’s a criminal mastermind.
Every heartwarming human interest story in america is like “he raised $20,000 to keep 200 orphans from being crushed in the orphan-crushing machine” and then never asks why an orphan-crushing machine exists or why you’d need to pay to prevent it from being used.
Me: The cat left us a dead bird again
Her: He thinks he’s giving us a present
Me: No, the arrogant SOB thinks we’re too feeble to hunt for ourselves *jumps five feet straight up and snatches a squirrel off a branch*
My three year old walked into the garage while I was working out yesterday and I may need to rethink my playlist because today he’s telling everyone that “anacondas love honey buns”.
I’ve been singing “it’s the most wonderful time of the year” to my kids in honor of school starting, and wow, are they mad about it.
No one told me middle age would be so fuzzy, and if you are wondering whether I mean my eyesight or my facial hair, yes.
Turned on the telly and there’s all the Kings horses and all the Kings men, so I assume they’re on their way to some egg related emergency.
Some people exercise every day.
I’m trying to teach my self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house.
Q: Why isn’t the moon hairy?
A: Because it waxes every month.
Diary
June 28 1954
So it turns out my weakness is kryptonite. I can’t tell anybody this.June 30 1954
I accidentally told Lex. Should be ok
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: I’m not psychic, Craig
cop: my name is Greg
me: I work at Starbucks
I’ll wear a neckerchief but I’m not calling it that.
I haven’t had a cookie or a piece of Christmas candy in 24 hours. Is this a cleanse?
8- Dad, why is there oxygen on earth, but not on any other planet?
M- Are you sure you just don’t want to know where baby’s come from?
Oh you’re a yogi name one picnic basket you’ve stolen
Bought the cheapest possible Mercedes yesterday ’cause I needed to use the bathroom at the dealership.
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.