Firefighter: This is a list of what was destroyed in the fire
Wife: Are my husband’s Creed’s albums on there?
Firefighter: No
Wife *slides him $20* what about now
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[Rock Paper Scissors Best of 7 Championship]
*down 3 games to 0 against Edward Scissorhands*
MY COACH: Stop choosing paper!
Gross, who put proof in this pudding?
Of course morning sex is better.
You haven’t spent the day annoying the crap out of each other yet.
Boss: And this will be your desk. Make yourself at home
Me (pulling a rotisserie chicken from my purse & putting it on the desk): Thanks
ME: I love u
GF: omg
ME: and I wanna be with u always
GF: *crying*
ME: [gets down on 1 knee] will u–
GF: U ARE DISRESPECTING THE FLAG
British people be like “gotta bring the car to the mechanic for a chune-up”
Yeah I can fight, I’m professionally trained in the style of panic attack.
I can’t be the only one 😂
70% of the Earth’s surface is oceans. The rest is split between car dealerships and a Costco parking lots.
Wanna play a dangerous game? It’s called taking a nap at 4.
I heard that #TheDress debate has already destroyed 18 relationships. These people probably shouldn’t be breeding anyway.
[Halftime speech]
Ok guys, we’re down 56-0, but I see the problem. There’s a typo in my game plan. It should say “tackle”, not “tickle”.
No one has done the dishes for like a week so I finally did the responsible thing and bought some paper plates.
Abraham Lincoln is in a cent until proven guilty.
Someone just said “can you imagine what it must have been like to have been old enough to remember the royal wedding?!”
and i thought they were talking Charles and Diana.
but they meant Will and Kate ☠️
I have so many questions.
Pro-Tip: Always remember where you buried the bodies.
Everyone is complaining about homeschooling their kids.
Don’t stress!
Just teach them what you know.“Ok children, today we’re going to learn nursery rhymes.
Repeat after me:
Beer before liquor, never been sicker; liquor before beer, you’re in the clear.”
I told you to pick up a slow cooker… All I see when I look in the kitchen is a turtle wearing a chefs hat
Me: What you gotta buy from Target?
Her: Target will tell me when I get there
Call me old-fashioned, but I think if a kid’s old enough to feel comfortable saying, “Christ, Dad, can’t this thing go any faster?” they should get out of the stroller and walk.
Tried to impress her by making martinis but got my hand stuck in the olive jar
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Son: what’s the term for animals that come out in the dark?
Me: party?
The average human walks 900 miles per year and drinks 22 gallons of coffee.
This means that the average human gets 41 miles per gallon.
Wait, 12 years a slave isn’t about marriage?
Mom can you come get me?
I wished someone happy birthdsy in the group chat and now everyone is saying birthdsy
It’s so cold out, that I don’t know who’s just wrapping up warm and who’s a ninja.
If someone came to my door & said “We’ll give you a dollar for every plastic bag shoved under your kitchen sink.” I’d be living large.
My daughter will not be fully comfortable until she finds a spot to sit on the living room floor that perfectly blocks her sister’s view of the television.