Missionary, so we can keep arguing
You Might Also Like
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
Sister: And you definitely know how to do this sawing trick?
Me: Yes of course I…oh no
Half sister: what
Someone suggested that I try Acupuncture. I don’t think adding more pricks will make a difference.
Leaving my browser history open in case anyone in this coffee shop tries to steal my laptop when I’m in the bathroom.
There’s a reason when we have to smile for a photo we say “cheese,” and not “salad.”
kid: dad, dad, dad I can do a magic trick, pick a card
*takes card*
kid: ok give it back and *shuffles* is this your card ?
no
is this your card ?
no
*27 cards later* is this your card ?
no…
I need to find just the perfect men’s swimsuit and then only ever wear it twice annually
Inventor of the Ouija Board: I have created the most evil family game ever
Inventor of Monopoly: oh, child
I watched a guy at the gym put his shoes on like:
Sock, shoe. Sock, shoe.
And then he walked away like it was completely normal.
Behind every successful woman is a Man who let her down.
Is it wrong when your therapist invites other therapists to your session, wine is flowing, appetizers are served, and he says to you, begin?
Being cute just died. Men are going to want a woman that can catch a chicken now.
A couch nap with a little kid on your stomach is the best sleep you can ever have. It’s like a weighted blanket whose college you gotta pay for.
I don’t think it’s rude to keep standing if you go to someone’s house and their furniture is ugly
My 8-year-old correctly used the word “aesthetic” in a sentence.
When I asked her where she learned it, she said YouTube.
That site is ruining her life. It’s turning her into an English major.
“Sorry I was skeptical about your cough.”
-my new line of Get Well cards
Guy: I want to be more than friends
Me: like business owners?
Amazon only lets you put 51 items in your cart and
A) that’s bullshit
B) I probably shouldn’t know this
Nowadays pictures are more filtered than water.
Sorry honey, they were all out of Turnt Triscuits.
*me petting my cat*
CAT: This is the happiest I will ever be*a door opens*
CAT: Now is my chance to flee this prison and never return
No, YOU heard a sad song on your headphones and cried while on the treadmill at your neighborhood gym.
[first date]
Me: why isn’t a boy ant called an uncle
Date: why isn’t a girl praying mantis called a praying womantis
*we do it right there*
“WHEN ARE U DUE?” WHAT DIFFERENCE COULD IT POSSIBLY MAKE IN YOUR LIFE AS A STRANGER AT THE GROCERY STORE
Pretty sure airport food was priced by children just learning about numbers.
“Ok Brian, how much should this apple cost?” SIXTY TWO DOLLARS!
‘My neighbour just told me coyotes kept eating his outdoor cats, so I asked how many cats have you had and he said he just goes to the shelter afterwards to get a new cat. So I said it just sounds like you’re feeding shelter cats to coyotes. And then his daughter started crying’
ME: Sorry I’m late, I had computer problems.
BOSS: Hard drive?
ME: Nah, there was no traffic, just the computer problems.
[ cookout ]
Me: OMG this ketchup is amazing!
Host: yea yea we all know you brought the ketchup
Wonders if chickens do the funky people.