I just want someone that can draw perfect circles. No weird Os
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A cheetah stalking its prey would be jealous of the way I pounce on the Skip Ad button on YT once the 5 seconds are up.
My wife found out I was cheating when she found the letters I’d been hiding.
She said, she’s never playing Scrabble with me again.
My newly married friend begins most sentences with, “My husband said.” My go to response is, “My dogs haven’t said much today.”
My general rule about animals is if I can catch it, I can pet it. If it can catch me…well, I’ll get a few pets in first.
Sometimes I hide condiments from my husband by moving them 3 inches to the left.
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
Wild bee: just getting snack
Me: no prob beeMason bee: just make house
Me: build a way bHoney bee:jus sampling the lavenders
Me: you know I got an assortmentBumble bee: hey *bonk* I jus *bonk* I h
Me: *holds flower still*Wasp: I’LL SEE U IN HELL
Me: U TELL THEM WHO SENT U
Reverse cowgirl, so I can eat my ice cream without sharing.
It never fails: whenever I’m at a crime scene, analyzing blood spatter and bullet trajectories, someone always assumes I’m a CSI.
Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg out, Put
-spider hokey pokey
Graduating from law school and immediately googling what can you do with a law degree
My favorite animal is fried chicken.
Why is this woman gardening on her white carpet at the foot of her bed
Mall security asked me to empty my pockets.
My response was “you won’t find a better job or respect in my pockets”
I’ve added lunges to my workout routine. It’s a big step forward.
Sorry boss…
You can either expect me to work well with others or pass a drug test.
It can’t be both.
Do you realize that if real women had the same proportions as Barbie they’d be only 11.5 inches tall?
If someone says “With all due respect,” what follows is the verbal equivalent of a captive chimp hurling feces at you.
Do you think anyone fired from Twitter is decamping to their picturesque home town where their parents are about to put them in charge of a local Christmas project, and their only assistant? a handsome carpenter (who’s single)
When I said “it’s so big” I was referring to my disappointment
I have gotten outta bed 365 days a year for 37 years. That is 13,505 sit-ups.
And not ONE ab to show for it.
Husband: wanna have a quickie?
Me: As opposed to what?
If the office coffee pot doesn’t have to work until it’s banged on the counter neither do I
cop: did anyone follow you here
jesus: no
cop: i’m not so sure, there’s a van across the street with twelve guys in it
waiter my bone broth tastes like a boiled bone
went to this place once that claims it’s a brewery that doesn’t brew any of the beer it serves and the bartender was like “yep we are the first of our kind” & i didn’t have the heart to tell him that he opened up a bar, that’s a bar, bro
alcoholic: you drive me to drink
designated driver: ok
nothing is funny anymore becuase nothing is normal anymore. i saw a pigeon on the subway today and thought “how did a pigeon make $2.75”
Mother’s Day: Ideally, the one holiday I don’t personally have to handle.
The Reality: “Mom, where’s the tape? Wrapping paper? How do you spell ‘mother’?”
If I ever visit Japan, the first thing I’ll do is run through those paper walls pretending I’m the Kool-Aid man.