You’re either part of the problem or the entire problem.
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fall is almost here time to pull out the flannel condoms
Kids are so cute how they use every single glass you own and then make you search for them around the house like an Easter egg hunt from hell.
When someone in their 20’s talks about “old people” they’re talking about us.
I hate the number 7 like “ohh look at me I’m all prime and lucky ohhhh”. You’re just a wonky 1, grow up already
NASA: How’s it looking up there, guys?
ASTRONAUT: I’ve never seen anything so beautiful.
FROG: [lost in his spacesuit] I’m struggling tbh.
Moaning faced neighbour has moved so we’ve finally got the balls back she refused to send back. Just the TWENTY THREE of them!!!
Restaurant Customer: clarified butter please
Waiter: (points to butter) THIS IS BUTTER
I never pay for drinks I just insult women at bars & when they throw drinks in my face I open my mouth haha thanks for the free booze ladies
As Oscar Wilde once said, there’s only one thing worse than being talked about, and that’s being roped in to help a friend move house.
The quickest way to get a creationist to shut up is threatening to throw them off the edge of the earth.
other 21 year olds: going on dates, bein cool, having fun
me: trying to become friends w/ the birds outside my house by offering them bread
Welp, wife didn’t appreciate the dishes in the sink being arranged in a heart shape.
Mr. Darcy: “You have bewitched me, body and soul.”
Wicked Witch of the West: “That’s kinda what I do. Now please dismount the monkey.”
We gave DanceBot a machete as a joke. No one could have predicted the rhythmic horror that came next.
If your store sells carpet and tile and you’re not advertising a July Floor-th sale then what are you even doing?
I hate showing my baby pictures because everyone says “you were so cute” but there’s always the unspoken but implied “what happened”
Me: What are you doing?
My 6yo: [buttering the piano] Nothing.
One time my dad caught me smoking an e-cig so he took me out to the shed and made me smoke an entire VCR.
4-year-old: What’s “saying grace?”
Me: It’s when we thank the one who provided our food.
4-year-old: We thank the microwave?
You fools! Whether or not
Die Hard is a Christmas movie doesn’t really matter. The tradition of arguing over it is what counts. 🎄🎅🏻🌃
pls don’t buy me anything family size i have no self control and no family
If video games taught me anything it’s that you don’t need to work because there’s precious gems just laying around everywhere.
The Honey Badger is my favourite animal that sounds like a really scary breakfast cereal.
Me: I’ll be there in five minutes
Pharmacist: It should be ready
Me: *time travels ten years to the future, goes to store*
Mutant Insect Pharmacist: It’ll be another fifteen minutes
Me: I KNEW IT
“Hi. My name is Jeff and I’m an alcoholic_”
*embarrassed silence in the room*
“Wow. Tough crowd.”
Worst Bring Your Dad To School Day EVER
Pediatrician: They’re only getting two hours of screen time a day, right?
Me: HAHAHAHA! I mean, yes.
Every time I go to bed early my cat decides this is the night she will find and kill god
Blocking anyone who tries to motivate me.
“Hey. My eye is up here.”
– hurricanes
[on my deathbed]
me: a….ah…..
wife: what is it!! what are you trying to say?
me: ah…… alexa…… play despacito