[Date’s house]
ME: I’d love to see u againDATE: That would be nice
ME [whispers to her dog] ok what do I do she thinks I’m talking to her
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Never put a toaster in the bathtub. Nobody likes soggy toast.
When you know it’s a French word but you can’t quite remember which one
9 out of 10 therapist agree to just be yourself
The other one realizes that’s what got you into this shit in the first place.
Whenever I want to feel like I’m at a house party again I play two podcasts at the same time and then sit on the floor in my kitchen and pet the cat
“Some people say things like ‘you can’t get blood from a stone’, or ‘vegetables shouldn’t scream when you eat them’. Well *chuckles* we here at Monsanto laboratories have spat in the face of God once again….”
Tilda Swinton is the last person on Earth, having solely survived the apocalypse. A tumbleweed rolls by. She picks it up and eats it. ‘Delicious,’ she says, as she gets down on all fours then gallops into the night.
Alligators sewing little pictures of rich white people on their shirts.
My 4-year-old’s questions while watching me put on makeup for 3 minutes:
-Why is your face melting?
-Why do you make your face look evil?
-Why are you biting your eyeballs with those scissors?
I hate when I fall down the stairs without my Fitbit on.
Just broke my very own personal record of most consecutive days without dying.
I woke up in the middle of the night to find my 4-year old staring me in the face, and then she said, “ mom, I love you, but I’m cancelling swimming lessons.” My life is the worst scary movie ever.
Throw stones at people who live in glass houses. They won’t throw them back because they’ve been told their whole life that they shouldn’t.
You don’t love me? Don’t worry, the first step is denial.
Technically lava can kill coronavirus, but there’s a good reason why no-one is using it in the fight against the ongoing pandemic: nothing else would survive the encounter with molten rock either.
[Morgan Freeman narrating my life]
*extended period of silence*
“What the hell am I supposed to do with this…”
I need to stay vigilant while venturing into the ocean this week.
Sharks be looking at me like “I can get three meals out of him.”
Hang on guys. My boyfriend told me not to be anxious, so I expect to feel better any moment.
god: i have made Mankind
angels: you fucked up a perfectly good monkey is what you did. look at it. it’s got anxiety
Biden: I took a Staples red button & wrote “Nukes” on it
Obama: Joe!
Biden: Tweets to him in Russian when pressed
[Job interview]
Me: [thinking] I hope he doesn’t notice the mustard on my shirtInterviewer: [thinking] Is he eating a fkn hotdog?
We should have burned social media to the ground when they started helping us reconnect with old friends
Perhaps Nicki Minaj just lost a series of bets.
A candy wrapper fell out of my pocket and my kid picked it up and waving it around like a trophy, began an interrogation about where it was from, when I had eaten it, and what it was doing in my pocket. Isn’t it obvious that I stuffed it in there to avoid exactly this situation?!
A foghorn but for people who can’t see through their own bullshit.
If one more teenager uses the term ‘Back in the day’…I swear I’m gonna smack them with a floppy disk and choke them with my legwarmers.
This hospital has everything
I once survived an entire 5th grade dodgeball game without getting tagged and I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
TEXTING 101
ME: Hi
College son:
ME: How are you?
CS:
ME: Are you still alive?
CS: …
CS:
CS:
ME: I can cut off your phone
CS: Hi Ma love u
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
I tell people “I’m here to raise awareness” because I successfully spliced a werewolf and the lochness monster.