This morning my therapist said more people need to do things without expecting anything in return, so I left without paying her.
You Might Also Like
*ordering from the neighborhood Saudi restaurant*
Me: I’ll have a quart of the Chicken dump truck with a side of She is suspicious of cheese.
Taylor Swift tweeted a picture of her cat watching the Olympics and just as I suspected, Taylor’s bedroom looks like a giant doily.
I had to grease a lot of palms to get to where I am today
*cut to me oiling up tropical trees*
haha excellent
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
My trophies are a result of:
80% – pity
10% – friends who are kind
10% – random strangers whose fingers slip
7% – my superior math skills
Me: I can’t work today.
Boss: Why?
M: My grandma died.
B: Our grandmas died 20 yrs ago.
M: …
-Why working for your brother is a bad idea.
Me: oh man, I love the 80s
My grandparents: we have names
4: Mummy, I know how old you are.
Me: OK.
4: Has it got an 8 in it?
Me: Yes! Well done.
4: Is it 8 and then 0?
Me: No, darling, it just feels like it.
As a child, ‘The Jetsons’ gave me unrealistic expectations for the future: like having a wife who loves me & owning a dog.
David Attenborough: The faster antelope species always keep their slower cousins, the cantaloupe, nearby to throw under the feet of predators to trip them thus creating a hilarious pile up on the savannah.
Go buy a burrito, leave it in your fridge, get drunk, come home and be your own best secret admirer.
When I die, someone, please attend my funeral dressed as the Grim Reaper and just stand there and don’t say a word. Thanks.
-Someone keeps phoning up pretending to be my grandmother. It’s a prank, I don’t know what else to call it.
-Shenanigan?
-Don’t you start.
I could make a sandwich before a British person finishes saying “et cetera.”
I like to think of brunch as the purest form of anarchy. Want a burger between 2 waffles? Go for it. Scrambled eggs on a brownie? Heck yeah! Toss some onion rings in those Froot Loops, you are ungovernable. For 90 glorious minutes, all rules of polite society have been suspended.
Apparently this weekend there will be constant rane, hale, gails, drissle, thundre, litnin, hy tydes, tawnaydoes and frizzing colde.
Really bad spell of wether.
When a cop asks if I know why they pulled me over, I worry I’ll confess to a crime spree. That’s crazy tho, so I laugh and say, ‘probably because I let you’.
When your daughter asks “are your snacks more important than me??” you should NOT pause to think.
I know this now.
A body cam but for when you send your husband to the grocery store
Son: “Did you know alligators can grow up to 15 feet?”
Me: “Wow, I thought most only had 4.”
ramses: *checking phone* wtf is a dense frog warning
moses: 🙂
ramses: oh you son of a-
The rare times my cat comes to me for affection, I run and hide under the bed, so she knows what that feels like.
Is Yoda’s last name Lay-he-hoo?
I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He said I should prolly not go to those places anymore.
what I look like when I sleep with my mouth open
Oh, please don’t pay attention on that voodoo doll you’re going to find outside your door!
That was by mistake
I’m a human alarm clock so when I wake up this early for no reason, I punch myself in the face to turn myself off.
my phone:
🍎 APPLE PAY: RECURRING TRANSACTION COMPLETE
$15.35me, smiling serenely, closing my phone: “wonder what that’s for :)”
Taking a screenshot on windows: *gently press screenshot button*
Taking a screenshot on Mac:
Command + shift + 3 + Steve Jobs’ birthday + 3.14159 + a drop of human blood
Her: I always secretly believed I was the lucky one in our relationship. Bet you felt the same!
Me: True. I also secretly thought you were the lucky one.
Her:
Me: Guess you should’ve kept that secret, huh?