Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can’t smell their breath.
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*feeds you Cheetos while running my fingers through your hair*
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
The guy with the worst grades should get to give a graduation speech too. Let me hear both sides
[at fancy-dress party shouting over all the barking]
“YOU NEED TO LEAVE”
me dressed as a giant vacuum cleaner: “I DIDNT KNOW YOU HAD 6 DOGS”
“But I can’t conquer China, it’s way too big…”
Now Genghis, what do I always say?
*Sighs*
“I’m Genghis Khan, not Genghis Khan’t”
Me: the heart wants what the heart wants
My heart: please stop killing me with corn syrup and pork products
Me: shut up
[talking to a frat bro]
Me: Dude you have such a strong axe scent.
If homosexuals come out of the closet, do necrophiliacs come out of the casket?
This morning my therapist said more people need to do things without expecting anything in return, so I left without paying her.
For once I’d like to get kicked INTO a bar
The fact that my balcony isn’t facing the street makes it nice and quiet but also makes my speeches to the people rather ineffective
Kids want to play with the box the toys come out of.
Men want to play with the box the kids come out of.
Friend nagged me for TDKR OST. Renamed Backstreet Boys song and mailed them to him. Fun.
Why are we wasting time on all these “beware of dog” signs?
I’ve never met a cat that wasn’t obviously plotting to kill somebody…
Mistakes married men make:
1. Doing things.
2. Not doing things.
3. Thinking about doing things.
4. Not thinking about doing things.
[Planning a heist]
ME: Did you scope the place out?
PARTNER: Yes, they have two armed guards
ME: So we’re evenly matched in terms of limbs
Look, you invented bread and I invented knives. Let’s combine forces and we could be the best thing since…well we’ll think of that later.
I finally have glasses, which is great because I needed one more thing to frantically search for every morning.
*still laughing at a real estate ad I saw yesterday for a beautiful farmhouse “off the beating path”*
I had to start baking my own cakes and cookies because I’m no longer allowed in the bakery, in my defense I thought those were all samples.
kid: *sniffle*
me: need a tissue?
kid: no
kid: *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle*
Sometimes when I want to make my girlfriend feel skinny, I just release about 25% of her from the air valve.
What if instead of yelling out “Oh God” during sex you yelled “Okie Dokie!”
by age 35 you should have saved enough money to hire someone from the dark web to murder you
COP: Freeze!!!
EXCEL: LOL no problem
Everybody always says say “No!” to drugs, but I’m thinking that if you’re talking to drugs, it’s too late
Potatoes were such a good idea
They call Japan the “Land of the Rising Sun”. Is that why they look like they’re squinting all the time?
said in every police drama ever
– her parents are coming down from Wisconsin
A local supermarket.
A customer asks “Do you have unsalted nuts?”
The new checkout boy freezes. He needs this job. But he may never get this chance again.