[bedtime]
SON: Can you leave the light on?
ME: So it’ll be easier for the monsters to find you?
SON: What?
ME: What?
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My 5 year old is stuck inside a duvet cover right now so I think I’m going to go for a walk and just let Darwin solve this one.
Little Kid: wanna hear a joke?
Me: life is meaningless without death
Little Kid: why did the chicken cro- wait what?
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Avengers, assemble!
*points to a bunch of IKEA shit he just bought for the headquarters*
Me: That’s pretty sus
12yo: Never say that again
Me: Why?
12yo: It sounded weird when you said it
Me:
12yo:
Me: Your rules are sus
i cannot relate to all these YA main characters that have the focus and determination to complete their little tasks and save the world. after about two weeks when the hyperfixation of it wore of, i’d let the planet die bc i discovered knitting
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: please give me another chance, I’m struggling to put food on the table
BOSS: that’s the problem…you’re the worst waiter I’ve ever hired
My Mom taught me to treat others the way I want to be treated so I always walk up to strangers and spray canned cheese in their mouth.
Airlines will call themselves Air France then fly from Costa Rica to Germany
I go through the 7 stages of grief just to get to work everyday.
Dear plastic wrap,
I wish you’d cling to something other than yourself.
– me
My husband thinks it’s funny how I have nothing to wear until I pack 4 suitcases for a trip.
Did you know stuffing your bra with toilet paper works pretty well…
except when it rains.
i saw this and everything about it annoyed me so i’m posting it in hopes that it annoys you too
The first 8 minutes of any plumber’s visit are spent apologizing for what we tried before we called him.
Sometimes when I’m sitting in a swivel chair, I’ll turn around quickly and smile and pretend I’m in the opening credits of a sitcom
Me: Where the hell are you going with those balloons?
4yr: I need to wee!
Me: With balloons?!
4yr: Its so much fun to wee with balloons
I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.
*puts ranch dressing on chicken*
aww look at his little cowboy hat and boots, how cute is that
them: I like that filter on you
me: [doesn’t have snap but enjoys mounting butterflies directly to my head] th… thanks
Just a reminder that your coworkers aren’t going to get eaten by bears on their own. You have to make that happen. You have to want it.
COP: Describe the robber to our sketch artist
ME: He had one eye higher than the other and his lips on his forehead
PICASSO: I got this
Guns don’t kill people
People that have 5 kids, 1 cat, 2 ex-mother-in-laws & work 50 hours a week without wine in their life, kill people
If every nitrogen atom turned into a horse we would all die
99% Indians work on the Principle of Rockets.
It doesn’t mean we aim for the sky.
It means, we don’t start work unless our tail is on fire
Please go back into your caves. I was wrong about it being safe to come out.
I Spit On Your Gravy #MakeAHorrorFilmLessScary
Stop staring at my chest! Geez dude, it’s like you’ve never seen toilet paper before!
*When you can teleport through your phone*
Hello! Can you here me?
“You know the speed limit here, son?”
45
“You know how fast you were going?”
88
“So where you off to in such a hurry?”
1985
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they come back, it’s a phoenix