Second orthodontist consult.
10: I hope I can still eat fried chicken at Popeye’s and drink Dr Pepper and chew taffy.
Ortho:
Me, under my breath: You’ve never even been to Popeye’s. You don’t drink soda!…
10, whispering: Best to take this up with Dad.
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Me: AI, how many fingers am I holding up?
AI: 17.
I removed Sean Connery’s limbs & replaced them with Daniel Craig’s arms & Pierce Brosnan’s legs. They formed an unlikely Bond.
What idiot called him Steve Jobs instead of Mac Daddy
When my husband asked me do something creative for dinner, I drew a cute picture of a dog on a napkin and put it next to the pizza box.
I am not a good hugger. Tonight a friend hugged me and I dropped some crackers I was holding and just gently said “my crackers” while waiting for the hug to end
My life coach: So what would you like to see happen this year?
Me: Kangaroos being allowed to fight in the UFC
Life coach: I will literally pay you to not come here anymore.
The 6 or so days between Christmas and New Year’s is truly No Man’s Land. Like am I supposed to sleep all day? Get my life together? Spend the entire day watching TikToks? Hang out with my parents? Are we in 2019 or 2020? What do I eat besides Christmas cookies?
[putting away groceries]
I’m really glad I bought these tomatoes to go with [opens fridge and sighs deeply] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 2 days ago and [looks behind those tomatoes with even deeper sigh] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 3 days ago
When I turn on the lights all of the dads scatter off of my deck, the fat dads can’t get over the fence
My attempts to purge my possessions always seem to result in me rediscovering that I have lots of nice things, after which I lie happily on my hoard like a dragon
I was the only one wearing a mask in the supermarket this morning, so I made everyone empty their pockets.
[first time picking up the tab]
her: don’t forget to leave a tip
me: ah yes *scribbles ‘don’t do drugs’ on receipt*
Met a guy from Iraq today who grew a full beard as I was meeting him.
Me: I’m gonna go outside and stand in the field
Boss: Haha so we can say you’re “outstanding in your field”
Me: No I want to get hit by lightning
Nice of ads to thank me for watching as if I wasn’t a hostage
Cutest thing I saw was the dad angrily slamming the sliding door of his minivan but it slowed down by itself and latched silently and then it was just kind of sad.
My son just threatened to not talk to me for the rest of the day.
I’m 3% offended and 97% hoping he follows through.
Gordon Ramsay: this is absolute garbage
Raccoon Line Cook: thank you chef
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
[morning after getting drunk]
age 23: did i make out with that guy
age 36: did i wash my face
Welcome to parenthood. Your safe word is now, “What’sthatnoiseohnothekidsareawake!”
HIM: Did you steal my truth serum?
ME: You bet I did.
Sure laying me down on a “Bed of Roses” sounds all romantic and shit, but I much rather lay on a bed of fries and onion rings.
little known fact: less famous brother, eustice wright, invented flying a spoon of vegetables into babies’ mouths
How do I tell my kid the tooth fairy needs $15 change for the $20 she left under his pillow?
I’ve cut my fingernails too short and now I can’t open my shower gel. What’s the point of being well-groomed if I can’t smell like mangos?
You’ve just ordered Pizza Hut and a 2L Mountain Dew. You’ve loaded up Diablo on your PC. No school tomorrow. Your parents don’t care if you stay up all night long. A perfect Summer night. You are 39 years old. The year is 2023.
My kids are mad at me because I never unwrap the cheese slices in their sandwiches
When the DJ asks if we are ready to party I sometimes lie & say yes even though I really need like 10 min to get ready