I don’t know where this squirrel’s husband is but he’s in deep shit
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If I don’t win Mega Millions tonight, I’m going to have to mend a lot of fences tomorrow.
Catercrombie & Fish
These guys came to me one by one, and now we solve mysteries on the south side of Huddersfield.
Before YouTube, people had to travel to music video shoots to argue about Hitler
My toddler had a meltdown. I finally got her to use her words and she told me she doesn’t like the floor.
So. Yeah.
Memes like this are the reason I still use social media.
They say don’t dress for the job you have, but for the job you want. Still, I think I look pretty stupid waiting tables in a spacesuit.
“HEY NANCY, HAVE YOU SEEN MY SOCKS?”
I’m sorry but did they sacrifice a human sized pop tart on live tv or was that a fever dream
[interview]
Ok, don’t let them know you’re naked
“Why are you naked?”
dammit
I’m not the kind of man who runs after women…….
But, I can walk.
On the bright side, every moment Bieber spends Tweeting is a moment he isn’t spending recording or performing music.
I don’t hate my job. I just really enjoy curling up in a ball and sobbing under a blanket in the backseat of my car during lunch.
Cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
The look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
I accidentally texted my husband “last dinner” instead of “late dinner” and now he won’t come home
My biggest weakness has been that I get attached very quickly.
~Superglue, probably..
You want me to respect scientists. The people who almost killed E.T.
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
So, we tip the pizza delivery guy, but not ambulance drivers.
Wanna know why skeletons are so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
I hate it when I wear my favourite red cape and don’t get eaten by a wolf.
There’s a fly in the den so my cat is reenacting the Matrix
Friend: Don’t be nervous about your interview, just act like you already have the job!
*2 hours later*
Friend: So, how did your pilot interview go?
Me: *sirens blaring as police chase me down in my stolen helicopter* NOT GREAT STEVE
ME: what came first the chicken or the egg
FRIEND [putting an ice pack on my head]: I’m not sure, people were throwing so many things at you
Surgeon: scalpel.
[patient hands him scalpel]
Surgeon: oh shit! Lol. You’re supposed to be asleep.
okay, let’s get the lizard council meeting underw—wait, has anybody seen dan?
*room chuckles*
*chameleon in the back* oh go to hell keith
Imagine if batteries screamed in agony when they started to die
Health insurance so bad, snitches only get bandaids
No thanks, Cosmo. I already know 20 ways to drive my man crazy in the bedroom. Any room really. Unintentionally. I’m difficult to be with.
*rearranges underwear drawer*
Neighbor: the party’s downstairs. Please get out of my room