my son is also my best friend (huge mix up at the adoption agency)
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Just read about something called “runner’s diarrhea” so no way am I ever running and taking that chance.
Can Happiness buy money?
Ian: “He ran out of the restaurant, got in the car and drove off fast.”
Cop: ‘Did you see his plate?”
Ian: “Yeah. He was eating tacos.”
Still no power, and it looks like it’ll be off at least a few more days. So, it’s Mexican takeout by candlelight. Just like the original 12 wise men.
All these “make better choices” make me wonder if my parents are now running twitter
We can probably reopen restaurants right now if we all use feed bags
CNN needs to reevaluate the use of Breaking News. Perhaps “Latest Speculative News” or “We Really Don’t Know Shit” would work.
CNN call me.
I’m just a girl, yodeling at the top of my lungs, until someone agrees to give me this latte for free.
I can almost always tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs!
I’m opening a funeral home that has a bar in it. I know right?
Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.
Why a man would want two wives is a bigamystery.
Normal person: I’m in a bad mood.
LA Person: It’s like, uh. Do you— there’s like a weird energy out there today, right?
1000s flocked to NJ to see the Virgin Mary in a tree trunk. But, don’t judge them, friends. When was the last time you saw a virgin in NJ?
My son told me he couldn’t wait to grow up…
So I took out my vitamin day of the week organizer and explained every one. Next we discussed every body cream I have. Then we paid bills for the month. He was crying at this point so we had ice cream while we did meal planning.
for all you non-native English speakers out there
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
and
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
I want you to be cuter than you are, but alas I am drunk and you are a tree.
Dear men,
Keep giving her little surprises to keep the romance alive in your relationship.
Buy flowers for her for no reason.
Bring her breakfast in bed.
Throw a snake at her face while she’s driving.
her: [during roleplay] come get me
me: [struggling to get up with my ninja turtle shell on] no you get me
Doormats are a gateway rug.
Potato chips bragging about having less fat – I don’t think you understand people who eat you.
I’ve matured a lot. For example, I used to listen to Fall Out Boy and break stuff, but now I listen to Mozart and break stuff
Hey babe, you look hungry. I have a meal for you in my shorts.
*whips out five course meal from my cargo shorts with still frozen dippin dots for dessert*
Pros of hiring me as a vet:
– Hard-working
– Experienced
– Reasonable pricesCons:
– Have been dubbed “The Horse Murderer” by the press
EAT YOUR VEGETABLES!
-a mother who hasn’t eaten a vegetable that isn’t a potato in the last year.
I tend not to use punctuation so much because I figure we’re all adults here and I trust you to know when to breathe
Everyone’s AVI – Sorry. This is the absolute best I can look. I’m actually suspended upside down in this shot and I rented a wind machine.
It’s called a “Monte Cristo” sandwich because one day it will return disguised as another sandwich & seek its revenge
BaD BoY!!
that’s it, I’m firing that gardener