never register for a class that says “space is limited,” because whoever’s running it clearly has no respect for science
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She said she wanted the D so I showed her our son’s report card.
Now she’s falling asleep, and I’m calling a crab.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: “Mphh mophh wampph.”
T: Again, this works better if you don’t lie face down on the couch.
Got sent to HR for impersonating a fire alarm during a staff meeting again
Medium: You want to contact your late husband?
Me: Yes.
Medium: How do you intend to pay for this?
Me: OMG it’s him.
I’ve been on twitter for almost 12 years, I remember when it all used to be farmland
We’re way too stupid in our 20’s to be picking life partners
I was feeling depressed, then saw a guy with one arm and thought “oh man, I could be getting so much more sympathy if I was missing an arm!”
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have huge muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
[commencement speech]
when I look out at all your faces, I see future leaders & scientists who will change the world, I also see probable felons & a whole bunch of divorcees, some of you will be great inventors, some of you will get a dui and- what? no I don’t go to this school
If I had known “cuties” were little oranges when my wife asked me to “bring a few home,” I could have avoided these awkward introductions.
is this a threat
[returning toothpaste]
Yeahhh, this didn’t hold my husband’s teeth together at all.
I’m ashamed to admit it but I would absolutely wear a cologne that smelled like an instruction manual from a just-opened Gameboy Color game
I just found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mother’s room. I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero!
One time my dad got mad at hulk hogan and yelled “YOURE WASTING SHIRTS” at the TV
Astronaut: wtf is this
NASA: it’s space food
A: I specifically asked for only Milky Way bars
N: look we get it but-
A: no no I’m coming down
ME: What’s the capital of Germany?
SON: G
ME: So college is a no then?!
Money was so tight last Xmas I had to sell a kidney for gifts. And this year it’s getting so bad, I may even have to sell one of my own.
My hair looks amazing today. I hope I see everybody I hate.
i went viral on linkedin and i now have over 2,000 jobs
the real reason howl kept his castle moving was tax evasion
DATING TIP: Pick up the check. Pick up the table. Pick up the chairs and the waitress and the bartender. Everyone loves upper body strength.
Me: I save a bunch of time by not having to tie my shoes.
Her: What do you do with the time saved?
Me: *tying my dogs shoes* Sorry, what?
cop: are you high?
me: if i was high could i do this? *vaults over car hood and does 360 no scope*
cop: did you just say “asterisk vaults ov
I carpool with a guy & we have officially run out of things to talk about. Today he commented on how well-made the road was. I agreed.
Him: How much do you love me?
Me: A bit more than pizza.
Him:
Me: But not as much as coffee.
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up when it’s ready.
*kissing on small couch*
Her: We should have a threes-
Me: I’ll call Karen
Her: …three-seater. Karen?
Me: I believe Karen sells furniture