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My heart 😭
“16 hours and you know what we have not lost one patient today”
THIS ENERGY! ALL DAY EVERY DAY 😭❤
Her name is Angie. She is a frontline Nurse in New York. She is 60 years old working 16 hour shifts at the hospital.
A HERO
KNOW HER NAME!
Іf you can’t afford therapy try garlic bread.
“Name?”
Well, some people call me the space cowboy, some people call me the gangster of love, some people call me Maur…
“Sir, have you ever been tazzed at the DMV before.”
HOT LOCAL MOMS IN YOUR AREA ARE WAITING TO TUCK U IN & WILL BE CHECKING THAT TOOTHBRUSH SO GET IN THERE & DO IT RIGHT MISTER
Brain: Too much to think about to sleep.
Me: But I have work tomorrow.
Brain: I don’t care-
*alarm goes off*
-okay you can sleep.
Just saw a disheveled man in a bathrobe run out of an uber to an atm. Whose client is this?
“This tofu tastes like chicken.”
No one believes you dude.
[Shark Tank]
ME: I have discovered a microbe that consumes plastic
MARK CUBAN: And why do you need our money?
ME: It ate my credit card
i regret to inform the fans that yet another draft of my romance novel has been rejected for overusing the phrase “really going to town” in sex scenes
Biden: Showed Trump our terror briefings about Equestria.
Obama: Equestria? Isn’t that My Little Pony?
Biden: 😉
I’m opening a restaurant called “It doesn’t matter, whatever you want” since every girl alive wants guys to take them there.
Eminem walks into a bar.
Bartender: You only get one shot.
<job interview>
Do you prefer to deal with things in person or over the phone?me: no
don’t smoke pots because they are made of clay and can burn your tongue
I prefer to date a man after I see how well he treats his wife.
Me: [arguing with Tom Cruise] OMG JUST PICK A POSSIBLE MISSION
“please retain for your records” – bold of you to assume that I, a person who still has to dig boxes out of the trashcan bc i forgot to read the recipe, have “records.”
Welcome to your 40’s. Your body now involuntarily makes haunted house sound effects.
If it weren’t for addiction, I could have been a supermodel.
Bread is a hell of a drug.
I was almost malled to death by a bear. He had me waiting outside of Bath & Body Works for like an hour.
Actually the first 38 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
My dad calls my mom beautiful after 55 years of marriage, but I’m starting to suspect it’s because he forgot her name.
When did we get a dog?
-me, getting into the wrong gray minivan at Target
I found a message in a bottle. It said: don’t pollute.
Miss Pissy Face and Mr Crabby Pants in HR told me I am not allowed to make up nicknames for my co-workers anymore.
If you’re happy and you know it…
Watch the news.
[talking to my son]
Please call me Steve, father was my father’s name
[An old thermometer breaks scattering mercury beads all over the floor]
“Get out of here, NOW!”
“Why?”
“HAVEN’T U SEEN TERMINATOR 2?”
This guy texting in metro besides me keeps covering his phone, like I care about his dinner plans in CP with his girlfrnd “Shona baby”