[puts puppy in microwave]
[googles instructions for making hotdogs]
[quickly releases puppy from microwave]
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[on date]
Him: Honesty is very important. Be upfront about things. We have to trust each other. It’s how love works.
Me: I’m Batman.
In 2016 I stayed at a hotel that offered “all-day room service starting at 5 p.m.”
Why is it called a “family who really enjoys artificially flavored drink mixes” and not a “‘Wooh, Tang!’ Clan”?
Aaaaaand tweet.
wow, ok, unfollowing now. was a huge fan of his cooking. had no idea he was exploiting the labor of a marginalized rat
going into to sephora and putting some lipstick on my collar to make my gf jealous
god: you’re a pig
pig: huh
god: you’re filthy
pig: yeesh
god: you eat slop from a trough
pig: c’mon
god: you stink
pig: ok ok, guy, i get it.. but this should save me from being food myself tho, no?
god: here’s the thing
i put my exercise bike together, no spare parts, i am absolutely drunk on testosterone, i’ll never need another map.
[eating something that until 40 years ago was considered a once-in-a-lifetime delicacy only fit for royalty]
Me: it’s a little cold 😤
Me, seductively: I can tie the stem in a knot using my tongue 😉
Pumpkin patch owner: Get out
To be frank, I’ll need to commit an identity fraud.
Judas has been acting weird the last few days.
No. He’s not coming out to play
Them: Tell us something about yourself.
Me:
It’s that time of year – holiday music playing, lights twinkling, and kids excited abo…GET YOUR STICKY HANDS OFF THE GODDAMN TREE OR SANTA IS GOING TO DROP YOUR TOYS IN THE OCEAN…ut baking cookies.
As we start gaining speed in the bobsled, I realize it was a mistake to bullshit my way into this.
Him: Can you pay? I left my wallet in my other pants.
Me: You have other pants and you wore those?
How do I convince my publisher that this is an essential marketing purchase
Me: How many times do I have to ask you to brush your teeth?
10: Why is it called a building if it’s already built?
Him: what’s your favorite season?
Me: Reese’s Egg Season
If you can moonwalk out of a police station without bumping into anything they have to drop all charges.
I had to delete Facebook because I liked too many pictures of dogs yesterday and now the newsfeed algorithm thinks I care about those people
Every tech nerd or security guy on night shift at a computer in 90s movies is eating pizza & wiping sauce from their mouth with their hand.
girls are like kittens. they are cute and fun to snuggle but sometimes they get stuck in trees and I don’t know what to do.
Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.
[job interview]
“Tell me a weakness.”
I never finish what I start.
“Care to elaborate?”
*grabbing my stuff* Nah, I gotta get going.
[meeting]
Assistant: ok, so here I have a cappuccino, an americano, a soy latte and one decaf with tears of innocent children
Demon in the back: I have the soy latte
*Goes to bathroom
*Reaches down to unzip
*Discovers pants have been unzipped for the last 4 hours
*Starts wearing underwear
Do you think, in a pinch, Jim Henson ever used Kermit as an oven mitt?
I’ve shenanned before… and I’ll shenanigan
I swear some people should be banned from cooking