IF A CAN OPENER DOESN’T WORK IS IT CALLED A CAN’T OPENER
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Nana: I found you on twitter
Me: …
N: so you like the butt stuff
Me:…
N: me too
Me:…
Damn my forehead is big!
My Mom used to call it a fivehead.
[after sex]
her: you were really loudme: *putting down my trombone* yep
A lot of people are mad that I broke into the zoo and dyed all the bears white. It’s polarizing.
Rocket Man vs. Rockhead Man. An epic battle of two Superzeros.
Day 65: My dog still insists on acting happy to see people despite my example and training
Dog: Dude, I’m your best friend.
Me: You shit on the carpet today.
Dog: *sighs* Look around you, Fitz. I’m still your best friend.
My circle of trust is a meatball
If you aren’t tying damsels in distress to railroad tracks while laughing maniacally, your curly moustache is going to waste
“Daddy, what happens when we die?”
“You get married and have kids”
Watching two cars with reindeer hood antlers rutting for a parking spot and I’ve never felt more David Attenborough.
“Dog Detective, how can I help you?”
MY PERSON THREW THE BALL AND I CAN’T FIND IT
“Did you check his hand?”
NO HE THREW IT ALR… oh wait
They don’t touch my pizza after it comes out of the oven?
So, wait. They used to touch my pizza?
Are you bored? Try something new! Draw a picture! Write a story! Strip naked, paint yourself green, and hide in a zucchini patch!
I WANT NERVOUS CHAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!
Imagine Dragons.
No. Dragoner.
Everything is a big deal to kids, like the time a giant bird took my dad from the beach and dropped him way out in the water.
I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.
Me sliding into hell like
Walk up in the club like “THIS IS MY JAM” handing out small jars of my homemade raspberry preserves
Wife: [eyes me suspiciously] have you been using my shampoo and conditioner again?
Me: [brushing my volumized, shiny, tangle-free, plumeria & jasmine smelling hair] no.
I like that they snuck the word “strum” right in the middle of “instrument”
when super mario bros. was released in russia it was much less popular under the title “you are toilet man fight turtle monster”
Magician: “Think of a card.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “You are thinking of the.. 3 OF SPADES!”
Me: “I was thinking about a get well soon card.”
How cool would it be if dogs could drive, get a job, pay the mortgage, grocery shop, & all you had to do was get excited when they got home?
You come into my house on this, the day of my dark chocolate soy milk’s expiration?
Interviewer: Do you plan on having children?
Me: I have four, why start now?
That Scene in a Christopher Nolan Film Where You Give Up Trying to Follow the Plot
the human only brought one little bag. on our walk. so naturally. i had to poop twice. they are in shambles
When I found out WAP didn’t mean wealth and prosperity I really regretted my comment in my niece’s graduation card 🤦🏼♂️