If there’s a movie about Elon, I want him to be played by Kathy Bates.
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There’s trash talk, then there’s this.
If it hurts you more than it hurts them, you’re probably holding the Taser wrong.
I stuffed my mom last night. I know you’re thinking I have an Oedipus complex and that’s gross but jokes on you I’m a taxidermist
The fact that he hasn’t texted back in a week, only tells me he is madly in love with me.
[goes back in time]
Me: WOW! I can’t believe I’m seeing a real dinosau–
T-Rex: MOOOOOOOOOO!
Apatosaurus: MOOOOOO!!
Triceratops: MOOOOO!!
Me: So you guys moo
Archaeopteryx: MOOOOOOOO!
Drugs are great until they fall into the wrong hands. I am referring, of course, to the cops or people who don’t enjoy life.
Me: I’m feeling really good about my situation right now
The Universe: hold my beer
Within every clean home is a room with a closed door containing a large pile of miscellaneous shit that someone just tossed in there.
Doctor: seems like you have a pretty severe brain injury
Me: you can tell that from a leg x-ray?
Doctor: no I’ve read your tweets
Putting on a bra is like trying to wrestle two pigs into a potato sack.
“The best things in life are free.”
– Kleptomaniac
Friend meeting my newborn: omg what’s his name
Me: I don’t know he won’t tell us
A Fitbit is just a tamagotchi, but the creature you have to keep alive is yourself
Being 30 is fun because I’m kind of grown up, but I also still secretly believe I would be a good Spider-Man if the opportunity presented itself
Life Tip: If you get a bunch of tattoos people will never ask you to babysit.
When this multivitamin kicks in I’m going to do so much success.
I was kinda flattered when the police sketch artist made me better looking.
Me, sitting on the patio trying to enjoy a book.
Leaf blowers: ABSOLUTELY NOT.
Squeak, squeak, squeak!
Life hack: If you throw an old toilet and some spare tires in your front lawn, legally you don’t have to mow it
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
Accidentally wore a red shirt and a khaki pants to Target yesterday &, long story short, I think I have been promoted to assistant manager.
Most guys will go gay for the night with the right amount of sangria & Foreigner playing in the background
Don’t ask me how I know
The great thing about playing the accordion is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
6 year old: Daddy, what if the plane goes down? Me: Don’t worry, your mom is with us. She never goes down. 6 year old: What? Me: Want candy?
The subtext of Moby Dick, The Rime of the Ancient Mariner, and most of Conrad is that you should never make eye contact with a retired sailor because he’s just waiting to tell you some interminable story about his time at sea.
Back in 2000 a woman I was seeing gave me an Easter basket. My cat would eat a piece of the plastic “grass” which would then make him throw up. He kept doing this despite it making him sick every time.
This is a great analogy for me continuing to read your tweets.
They’re stuck in your pants?
[me as a disc jockey]
me: call in with any requests
*phone rings*
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop playing mambo number 5