“Just skip to the part where he pushes stuff off the counter!”
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bring me a higher love. you have 24 hours. no cops.
ME: what time would you like me at the restaurant?
HER: I don’t even like you now
How did you get this number..?
– me to my whole family..
I live 30 feet from my mother-in-law, Hell holds no surprises.
mike tyson is short for michael thankyouson (i’m so sorry)
[bird watching] when’s the yellow one gonna teach me the alphabet
CIVIL ENGINEER: ok let’s build stuff.
UNCIVIL ENGINEER: *smashes popsicle stick bridge*
Procedure for being unthanked for door holding:
1. Keep eyes fixed on culprit
2. Say you’re welcome
3. Shake head
4. Mutter “unbelievable”
Lady was pissy when I insisted on walking with her to the parking lot, but it was raining and she had an umbrella.
Me, getting murdered: Those had better not be my fabric scissors, buddy.
instead of texting “on my way” im a just send this
Me: [butchering a raw pork shoulder]
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: What?
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: Poke…poke the pork?
Child: Yes.
Me: WHY
Child: It looks squishy.
Me: It IS squishy.
Child:
Me:[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE YOU TWO POKING THE PORK
Parts of a worm:
1) Worm
I’d like to thank whomever told my mom that WTF means “wow that’s fantastic.” Her texts are so much more fun now.
Some of y’all need Jesus and I say this as an atheist
Alarms are for people without children or puppies
Dude yapping nonstop at the gym just said he works out in the afternoons to avoid people who talk. Is it okay to fling a dumbbell at him?
Clearance aisles are awesome. I don’t even have a ham but for fifty cents I’m gonna glaze something.
boss: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: HAHAHA[later]
cw: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: literally never talk to me gary
i just want a guy i can call papi (not in the grandpa way)
Small dog owners: My dog chewed on my favorite pair of shoes.
Big dog owners: Yesterday my dog ate a couch.
PSA: Always be yourself
Identity theft carries a sentence of up to 15 years prison time
Guys if you are into a girl you have to be confident enough to look her right in the eye on her Facebook profile pic & press the Like button
*returns shopping cart*
“When I’m in Heaven I wonder if God will seat me to His right or His left?”
*Timmy cries from the bottom of the well
*Lassie takes gloves off, looks both ways, then walks away casually
Googles: what to do with 100 dyed hard boiled eggs
Google: do you have any enemies?
“How’s your day going?”
[awkward silence while i drive my date home] in my defense some places let you draw on the menu
birds: it’s so peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your phone.