My 12yr old just handed me his proofs from picture day but before I could open the envelope he says “First, let me explain”
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The year is almost over, and I haven’t stabbed anyone. My New Year’s resolution is to do better.
Make new friends? bro out of what?
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
Police say a man was found lying dead on his couch and wrapped in a blanket. Apparently there were signs of a snuggle.
Finally figured out the reason I look so bad in photos. It’s my face
Remember that time when we got trapped on a ski-lift for 4 days, then the acid wore off and we were just sitting on my grandmas porch-swing.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You love me?
Cop:
Me:
Cop:
Me: Is it because I’m driving a lawnmower?
Cop: Yes.
Me: *floors it*
Salt and pepper shakers add an air of mystique to any bathroom
[date]
Me: *ok don’t let her know I’m a bull*
Her: “so what are some red flags for you?”
Me: *sweating* “haha red flags? Where?”
Given the American diet, don’t you think we’d have greater success locating missing children if we put their faces on liters of soda?
Hey Amish person reading this: Busted.
[Cocktail bar]
WAITER: Ok, what are you having?DATE: The worst night of my life
ME: [scanning menu] haha what a name to give a cocktail
the British: we demand to be taken seriously
also the British: I nipped down to Boggy Bottom and split a toad-in-the-hole with Mr Pumblychook
Walmart is fun because all the workers know nothing except for the one who knows everything and your job is to figure out which one that magic worker is
I was killing this rap battle until I said orange.
The postman told me he was off to Spain tomorrow. I asked if he was going to Parcelona. He didn’t even smile
Get off my lawn, Pokemon Go edition
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
Librarian “SHHHHH”
*Turns lawnmower to low setting*
This could have been an email.
— me, while attending a wedding ceremony
Hide and seek, except it’s my husband searching for where he last put his pants.
Watch celebrities try to hit a fastball? No thank you.
Watch celebrities get hit by fastballs? Yes please.
Me: I’m the world’s most gullible person
Friend: really?
Me: well apparently not
Instead of writing letters, let’s wait a week before texting each other back so it still feels like it
Being a grandpa must be tough, some baby mispronounces a word and suddenly your name is “Peepo” for the last 30 years of your life
husband: aren’t you excited?
me:
husband: today is the last day of your life without a PS5
“OMG, this is better than sex!”
-Me, snacking during sex
First line in frozen pizza instructions: DO NOT EAT FROZEN PIZZA W/OUT COOKING. It’s almost like they know I’m the target demographic.