A quick way to get your kids to leave you alone is to say, “I need to make your dentist appointment.”
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Her: you ever done hot yoga?
*remembering getting stuck in a lawn chair last summer trying to reach my car keys*
Pretty sure
Always give 100%
unless you’re donating blood.
As I sit in isolation for hours, planning to keep a safe distance from my family, I hear them outside the door, shouting words of encouragement.
Like my kids saying, “Make us breakfast!”
And my wife adding, “GET OUT OF THE BATHROOM. YOU AREN’T SICK!”
A couple of our wine glasses broke, and I bought slightly smaller ones to replace them.
I don’t think my wife has ever been this mad at me before.
I hate when things are inscrutable. just wanna scrute ‘em so BAD.
[at fire-station]
“I’m putting together a naked firemen calendar and wondered if you guys would like to be involved?”
“Sure. What charity is it for?”
“Charity?”
When someone talks about fallen arches I never think of feet.
I assume they’re referring to the decline of the Roman Empire or a freak accident at the local McDonald’s.
Wife: who are all these children?
Me: *shrugs* you said pick up the kids
Wife: I meant our kids
Me: yeah, that makes more sense
I just dropped my phone in the toilet and for a second I stood over it and thought, “That’s where it belongs.”
Emails are always signed like, “thanks” or, “best regards”
I’m going to sign mine, “you’ll live to regret this”
Those traps inside ancient temples still work after thousands of years but you sit on your ear buds ONE time…
son: daddy, there’s a skeleton in my closet
me: don’t be ridiculous–it won’t be a skeleton for months
The average time it takes for an elderly woman to get her ringing cellphone out of her purse is 11 days.
According to scientists, money can reportedly carry more germs than a household toilet and yet when I do some money laundering, the cops arrest me.
Is it because I’m brown??
[at the movies]
me: thank god it’s over
her: I was going to say the same thing haha that’s a relief. I get the dog
The exchange I heard between my 4 year old and my husband when an ad popped up on her tablet. 4 yo: Can I have this? Husband: No, you can’t have an online Bachelor’s Degree in Nursing
He said I won his heart and I was all “Ugh can I just win like $20? How about a sweater from Sears? A pencil? I could really use a pencil.”
Why are charming men called lady killers and not Lassassins?
7: MOMMY!
Me: *flys out of bed* What’s wrong?
7: I don’t know what time it is
Me: It’s the middle of the night
7: Then why are you awake?
Boy, are you a yellow sports car because I am embarrassed to be seen with you but I am very pleased with your performance.
Me: I don’t understand why no one takes me seriously.
Also me: *wearing Cheetos like walrus tusks*
If I was a sniper, I’d probably spend most of my time looking for cats and making them chase my rifle laser pointer from 2 miles away.
I guess I could try to do “No Nut November” but I think it’ll be a REALLY white christmas if I manage it.
My son is suspended?
Yes, in-school suspension.
So he goes to school?
Yes, but he’s suspended.
Suspended IN THE SCHOOL?
Yes.
Idiot.
Therapist: Why did you bring a lawyer to a therapy session?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
me at 18: im gonna move to new york and go on so many dates
me at 26: if i put my phone in a ziploc bag i can go on twitter in the shower
I just cleaned out the change at the bottom of my purse and now I have an extra $17,000.
Neighbor: Oh your baby has beautiful big eyes!
My wife: Yeah, like his dad
Me: *Stares suspiciously at our gardener Sauron*
What if the 5th dentist was from the future and knew about the long-term tooth damage caused by Trident?
All these “make better choices” make me wonder if my parents are now running twitter