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When I see a driver go straight in a turn only lane
Him: Can you decide quickly?
Me, 20 minutes later: No.
Me: What were you and daddy just laughing about?
9: You
Me: What about me?
9: You won’t think its as funny as we do
“Wanna hear a joke?”
“Alright then.”
“What’s the difference between a toilet and a fridge?”
“I don’t know,”
“You’re disgusting.”
everyone calm down they’re just doing a test run of the rapture
My wife just said “I’m fine” and “Do whatever you want” in a single sentence so if you never see another tweet from me again, y’all know the reason.
PRIEST: do you have the ring
ME: *still staring into my fiancé’s eyes* yes on dvd
Let’s talk about Sex Baby. I regret you naming our son that. You’re a real piece of shit, Tammy.
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
Does the thirty minutes of cardio have to be all at once or can you spread it out over fifty years?
No matter how bad things get I remind myself I could be trapped in a pyramid scheme convinced I’m a business owner.
Some dude was bragging about his brother being a navy seal and it’s like…I don’t care what colour he is, why is your brother a seal
SHOW ME A PHOTO OF YOUR INFANT I WILL SHOW YOU 20 OF MY CAT
“I’m light-headed. I just need to eat.”
-my excuse for everything
Now that I’m in my 30s, I have to worry about both my kids and my parents saying something embarrassing in public.
*waves to the bagged salad i’ll throw out in a few days as i get ketchup for my fries
I made a ton of jokes about swine flu, but then I got swine flu. And as they rushed me to the hospital, I honestly thought I was going to die. So I used what little energy I had left to send this final text to a friend: “Make sure they serve pork at my funeral.”
I’m so lazy that I’ll break my tooth trying to get this tag off before I get up and get a scissor.
Me, since I was 5: I wish I had curly hair!!
Life: Okay, I’ll give her only one curly hair that’s gray and sticks straight up in her mid thirties.
Holy shit a street psychic just stopped me & said I’m a special person who cares deeply about some things & I’m freaking ’cause that’s SO me
Therapist: You pretentiously slip French words into conversations because of your deep-seated insecurity.
Me: Touché.
You say lasagna. I say spaghetti cake. Because my 3 year old won’t eat lasagna.
Okay me first
If the interviewer doesn’t think it’s cool when you pull a quarter out of his ear, the job wasn’t good enough for you anyways.
17: Do you know what school Scooper goes to?
Me: Who?
17: Scooper.
Me: Again, who?
17: Landlord’s son.
Me: COOPER?!
17: I thought it was Scooper, I’ve called him that for 5 years.
“Nothing there? Better bark at it.” – a dog
Kids today are lazy, I say to my son before telling Alexa to turn the light off I just walked past.
Husband: Why are you so grumpy?
Me: I’m not grumpy.
My face:
Told the kids me and husband were having adult time and under no circumstances were they to disturb us for the next 5-6 minutes