“Hey kids, you like candy?” I said to my own kids, luring them into my van so I could get them to school and be at work on time.
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Me [cracking open a beer]: Man, what a rough day.
Wife: IT’S 8 AM
The school phoned me today and said, “Your son’s been telling lies.”
I replied, “Well, tell him he’s bloody good – I ain’t got any kids!”
guys are so hard to buy for
like what do they like besides other girl’s pictures??
Apparently granny panties and crocs was not the answer he was looking for when he messaged ‘baby what are you wearing?’
Renovated the kids bathroom and installed a bathroom ventilation fan with a Bluetooth speaker. Now I just need to find the perfect creepy audio of a ghost screeching “Get Out!” for when they take too long in the shower.
Being betrayed by a friend is sad but being betrayed by your food is devastating
him: you’re not like other girls
me, at the urinal next to him: how
Interviewer: what would you say if I said you talk too much.
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
I’ll call it a smartphone the day I yell “where’s my smartphone?” And it yells
” Down here in the couch cushions”
My daughter asked me to play Highway to Hell by AC/DC because I was driving them to school. Parenting win I guess.
It’s a good thing we invented calculus before we invented software patents otherwise every time anyone wanted to calculate the center of a mass we’d have to pay the Newton Estate like 12 cents.
Today, I shall mostly be drawing little moustaches and monocles on all the spermatozoa in the biology textbooks at the library.
“Nice” – first kangaroo to realise it had a pocket
Fact: the lovable and cuddly panda bear is generally docile, but will shiv you for a can of Pringles.
My therapist: oh my socks are loose
Me:
Me: are you feeling shrinky?
In my meager defense, I was in no way aware the gingerbread houses were entries in a contest.
A shoemaker called yesterday and yelled at me because I hadn’t picked up the boots he repaired. It’s been one week. He said they’ve been there since October. (They haven’t.) I said, “WHY ARE YOU YELLING AT ME?” He said he yelled at all his customers.
Brain: I’m manifesting abundance.
Body: here’s another chin
Doctor: “You have a hip injury.”
Me: “I am very trendy.”
me, alone: [reads a book in my head intelligently]
me, with people: [reads a book out loud like a 5 yo just learning to read]
Me: You said everything in here was edible
Willy Wonka: Yes, but-
Me: *takes another bite of Oompa Loompa* Tastes like a circus peanut
And in conclusion, may I say that black robe is very slimming on you, Your Honor. And I’ve never seen a bigger gavel.
“YoU’Re nOt gOiNg tO gEt a jOb WiTh tHoSe tAtToOs”
First of all, bold of you to assume I’m employable without my tattoos
How many calories does an audible sigh burn? Because I don’t think my Apple Watch is giving me credit for them.
Sometimes my dreams are so realistic that I have to talk myself out of them. Today it was, “you can’t try out for the baseball team, you’re 36.”
I had a boyfriend once….right up until the moment my dad asked him “so what do you do?” and he replied your daughter.
He’s Dead.
I take it personally when the UPS guy drops off a package for my neighbors but doesn’t bring me one.
*takes you to Starbucks to remember your name..
I hug people I hate so I know how big I need to dig the hole in my backyard.