[marriage counselling]
Her: he always thinks he’s talking to me on CB radio
Me: I don’t, over
Her: It’s over
Me: It’s what? Over
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I just ate what I thought was a feta cheese crumble from my salad off my shirt. Turns out it was deodorant. So how’s your day going?
I’m beginning to think the dark circles that appeared under my eyes in 2008 may not go away.
Accidentally got two shots of hand sanitizer so if you need me I’ll be rubbing my hands together for the rest of my life.
I fill the pantry with healthy snacks and then get mad when we don’t have any junk food in the house.
Things that are likely to kill me:
1. Eaten by shark
2. Hit by lightning
3. The words: Mom, I need help with my homework
If the question is how many toothbrushes can my 2yo fit in his mouth at the same time before I catch him. The answer is 4.
I just took my two Dachshunds out for a run and I got passed by a dude riding a skateboard being pulled by two Huskies like some sort of ridiculous Southern California Iditarod and to be honest it looked way more fun than what I was doing.
I’ve never read Catcher In The Rye, mostly because I can’t stand cereals or baseball.
TRUMP: Let’s get that Muslim Band going
“Band? We thought you said ban”
TRUMP: No way, that’s harsh. Also, how’s that Mexican mall coming?
my street gang has been walking down the street snapping our fingers in unison for like 3 days, we all forgot why we were doing it
Just killed a giant fucking spider with my wife’s bare hand.
Autocorrect changed “Put Bacitracin on it” to “Put bacon on it”.
Fine, we’ll try that.
Godzilla was the first house flipper.
this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don’t know who’s winning
My neighbours dog has more friends than I do and he bites.
Me: Do you have any books on paranoia?
Librarian : They’re right behind you.
Whomever receives my blood, coagulations. Fastest indicator will be the unnatural pull to mustard pretzels.
I love when I open my dryer door and money falls out instead of my cat.
Test results are in, you might want to have a seat
“I’d rather stand”
Are you sure? You have “Falls Down When Gets Bad News” disease
*Thud*
My plans: 2020:
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
I like my men well-rounded
and sweet
and rich
and available
and covered in sprinkles
wait a minute…
that’s donuts
I like donuts
[time traveler returns home to 1881] guys i forgot to grab the cure for malaria but here’s some…DORITOS LOCOS TACOS [loud cheering]
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
Working from home really has its benefits. I can’t even remember the last time I wore pants.
Woman delivering my pizza:
Dads be like, “Picked out the t-shirt I’ll be wearing every weekend for the next 20 years.”
*Does something bad*
Mom: *tells the entire family, tweets, posts on Facebook, blogs, tells people in china*
How many of these sleep podcasts started as just regular podcasts before the host came to the harsh realization that their show was dull so they pivoted
Some people exercise on purpose by rowing little boats.
Canoe believe that?
*Stands guard with scissors and tinsel*
Wait, you said “wrap battle”, right?