Man: You’re killing me
Comedian: [strangling man with cloth] this is great material
You Might Also Like
Sometimes I think my dog wishes he had a middle finger.
Being a woman means owning ten bras. One you wear six days a week. One is on emergency reserve in case you have to leave the house on laundry day. And the rest exist to take up space in your already overstuffed underwear drawer.
Me: So ducks quack, owls hoot, crows caw…what do you do?
Penguin: I’m a tax attorney.
Me: Ah. That explains the briefcase.
My therapist says my little dragon friend isn’t real. But, my little dragon friend says my therapist isn’t real, and I’ve known her longer.
im starting to think mr peanut was the only thing holding the world together
Saying “have a nice day” to someone sounds friendly, but saying “enjoy your next 24 hours” sounds threatening.
ME: Did you know an octopus has 3 hearts?
WIFE: Wow, that’s two more than most of your tweets get lmfao
NEWLYWED FRIEND: i just love him so much, i always want to be around him!
ME: you haven’t heard him eat cereal yet, have you
I just responded to a text message with: I can’t hear you, you’re breaking up
Maybe I did use cilantro because I knew you hate it, but good luck proving that.
*handshake*
wow, soft hands! u must’ve never worked a day in ur life
[coming off a 9 hour shift at the Vaseline factory] “u dont know me.”
I thought I saw a spider on the floor…Turns out it was a paper clip.
It’s dead now.
No need to panic.
I struggle against the ropes binding me, catching the scent of gas. “You’ll die too,” I say.
“9 lives,” my cat whispers, lighting a match.
You’d think after 12 years of filming Boyhood someone would be like hey maybe we should make this good.
Me: Dear Santa…
Santa: *scrolling my TL*
I’m going to just stop you right there.
therapist: these people who think you’re “funny” *takes off his glasses* are they in the room with us right now?
What he says: Ya know, your mom is actually right.
What I hear: So, you have chosen death.
My kids trying to pick up the name brand hamburger buns like they think we are millionaires or something
The best way to move on after a breakup is to be open to trying new things. Today I’m throwing rocks at joggers.
There was a sense of accomplishment finishing the daily newspaper. I literally have no idea when I’m supposed to stop reading the internet.
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
Superman: this is my dog Krypto, he has all the same powers as me
Louis Lane: even x-ray vision?
[Krypto stares intently at Lois]
Superman: oh god he sees your bones run
Hear me out!
A Terms & Conditions, written entirely in emojis.
bartender: what’s wrong with you
best man: they kicked me out because i dropped the mike after the wedding toast
bartender: well that’s excessive-
best man: mike is the groom
Dead
Alive
Other✔
starting to think my starbucks boyfriend is asking other girls their name too.
I love Instagram’s new direct messaging feature because I’ve always thought, “If only this picture of someone’s dinner was just for me.”
Me, making a pediatrician appt for my 5yo son.
Receptionist: “What’s his birth year?”
Me: “17”
Them: “2017 or….?”
Me: “Oh yes. 2017.”
In my head: No, 1817. We’ll make the arduous journey to your office in our covered wagon.
[leaving theater]
me (drying my eyes): I hate movies where a dog dies
wife: that was a werewolf
me: but still
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.