I can’t believe one of you losers hasn’t married me yet
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At some point, a guy looked at an onion that was clearly purple & called it red. AND WE’RE JUST SITTING HERE LETTING IT HAPPEN.
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Snapes on a plane.
ME: Can I borrow your car?
FRIEND: You already borrowed my car.
ME: *nervously* Can I borrow another one?
“sorry i went off topic haha” -me, never having been anywhere near a topic
Best bird cliques…
A “murder” of crows
A “flamboyance” of flamingos
A “fall” of woodcocks…aka dudes who realize they’ve been catfished
My teen being nice to me is getting really expensive.
What’s the opposite of irony?
Crinkly.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
“So you’re a poet” says the waitress, gliding past. I vainly attempt to slow my reaction but knock over my beer trying to cover the words ‘glistening moose hips’
Don’t you hate it when you’re on your way to join the circus and you accidentally get married and have 3 kids?
My daughter wants to be something scary for Halloween this year so she’s going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
I get a kick out of people who think because I make Americana music I’m supposed to dress like a damn horse repairman or some shit
Miss Piggy’s karate skills are my favorite pork chops.
Clearly I have no shame but thanks for asking. You must be new here.
[a door mysteriously slams shut]
me: *spooked* what was that
the ghost haunting my home: just me still haunting lol
me: thank goodness I thought I left a window open
The lazy river is my favorite ride at this amusement park. “Ahhhhh!” I scream as I float in a giant circle, not spilling my drink at all
The Blue Tooth in your ear tells me you are expecting an important call.
At Walmart.
At 8:00 AM.
On Sunday.
In the snack food aisle.
Ma’am.
“Taking a perfect selfie is just a matter of perfect lighting and applying the right filter”
*puts sheet over head*
*turns off light*
Mcdonald’s is the true nemesis of anyone trying to lose weight.
Their Arch enemy, you might say.
Just overheard my 87-year-old Dad speaking to my pooch:
“You’re seven years old? You look REALLY good for seven!”
Welcome to your 40s. Your expensive designer shoes are prescription.
Trying to figure out if you practice the violin for many hours every day, or if you just have a really bad hickey.
My life is like a Disney movie in that I’m grumpy, dopey, sleepy, and sneezy most of the time and I once got caught brushing my hair with a fork
Chamomile tea makes chamomile pee.
What do we want?
SNACKS!When do we want em?
AFTER DINNER!– kids.
interviewer: can you use word
me: buddy [putting hand on his shoulder] I can use a lot of words
Doc: Let’s check your reflexes.
Me: I have the reflexes of a cat.
Doc: *hits my knee with a hammer*
Me: MEOW! *scratches Doc’s eyes out*
A saltwater crocodile’s bite can exert up to 3,700 lbs of pressure per square inch, which scientists say is notably less than that produced by my Dad Stare. Tread carefully, chief
I have many hidden talents. Just wish I could find ’em.
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
Reality: STOP ARGUING! GO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?