Yoga was invented in 1301 when a Buddhist monk fell down a big hill slowly.
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Stuck in traffic? We have the solution for you… Call customer service so all your vulgarities aren’t wasted.
While you’re thinking what to wear, I’m thinking how to take it off.
My kid pausing YouTube to decide what snack she wants is the new turning down the car radio when you’re lost.
*races to airport
*hurdles though security
*sees her at boarding gate
*shouts her name
*romantic music swells
I RAN OVER YOUR CAT
Sex so kinky your foam mattress has to repress the memory.
You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, you can cry when the girl you used to babysit gets engaged before you do.
Omg what if Nate was short for Nathryn
Little did she know she had fallen into my trap when I pissed her off so much that she threw her Snickers bar at me.
I don’t claim to understand the science behind it, but I can absolutely state with one hundred percent certainty that I am playing a key role in the ongoing survival of the human race by making sure that each and every morning, without fail, I put my left shoe on before my right.
My wife texted me from the bedroom last night saying she ate crackers in bed and she needed help changing the sheets because crumbs were everywhere.
Turns out that was not an excuse to get me in the bedroom for sex. She literally ate crackers like our 4 yo.
Me: Gather around children so I can tell you about the atrocity that was the year two thousand and twenty
Nephew: Wha- it’s still 2020.
Me: *staring off into the distance* It was a lifetime ago, so much pain and suffering
Nephew: It’s only August
Me: March lasted fifty years
I completely forgot that the social media manager for Kitchen Nightmares has completely lost it.
The options really are this bad
I said it was okay to come by my house. I didn’t say you could stop.
Me, 20’s & 30’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You had a good time, then!
Me, 40’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You need to see a neurologist.
Why am I single? *wipes hands on shirt like a napkin* Beats me.
I ran into the guy who delivered my pizzas a couple nights ago at a concert and he didn’t even remember who I was. Never meet your heroes.
Wife: He’s your son!
Me: So you say! But I don’t…
*Kid dances across the room to the Benny Hill theme song*
Me: …ok fine he’s my son.
ME: So did you go to a Hivey League school lol?
MY ALLERGIST: Get out.
Thought for the day:
Shouldn’t you really have more than one thought each day?
*crawls into windowless creeper van*
One kidnapping, please.
Wanna delight in the fact that you’ve been tricking the kids by using white instead of black pepper so they won’t complain that dinner is “too spicy”?
THEN DON’T TELL YOUR HUSBAND WHAT YOU DID!
do british taxpayers realise how much money goes down the drain because james bond won’t take the bus
PRIEST: the child is inhabited by the same evil spirit we crossed paths with!
CHILD [demon voice]: DON’T END A SENTENCE WITH A PREPOSSESSION
Coworker: “I hate when I forget to eat”
*Me, wiping peanut butter off of my eyebrows*
“Same”
Rose: Paint me like your French girls.
Jack: With armpit hair?
Me: I could survive in the wild.
Wife: It took you 9 minutes to open a bag of chips.
Hopefully wild game isn’t wrapped in plastic.
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*Nurse 1: I’m exhausted.
Nurse 2: I hate Labor Day.
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because I want to start crying slowly today
[long ago]
A: Ok, so let’s mush a tree to pulp and then make flat thingies out of it.
B: Great idea. Write that down.
A: Where?