Before Batgirl can become Batwoman she has to have a Batmitzvah.
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Me irl
me: you said you were going to clean your room
5 year old: I said it, but I didn’t promise
me: yes you did. you said, “I promise”
5 year old: ok, I promised, but I didn’t mean it
Me, running into a mom friend at Trader Joe’s: oh your hair looks fabulous! Have you done anything different?
Her: Oh thanks! That’s the lice treatment
My cat killed a mouse, walked away and looked back at me. I don’t feel safe anymore.
These Brit awards outfits are getting stupid now.
Passwords are more important than ever.
[BOOK CLUB]
ME: So last weeks assignment was Fight Club by Chuck Palahniuk. What did everyone think?
STEVE:
PAUL:
JANE:
SARAH:
MARK:
DAVE:
YOLO!
Jesus: Hold my wine!
Let me make something perfectly clear.
– Anyone who has washed a window
Spider-Man is my favorite superhero whose name is made up of 2 things that scare the shit out of me.
Normal Bar: Hey bud we can’t let you in here with that pocket knife
Renaissance Faire: Here’s 32oz of meade and a bow & arrow go crazy
If another mom leaves her kids with her husband to meet you out somewhere and you bring your toddler, that is considered an act of war.
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
Welcome to adulthood: you’re not hungover it’s just Tuesday.
Absolutely no one:
Me: *something goes down the wrong way and I start coughing*
Everyone: Let me tell you about the time I almost choked to death!
My friend is looking for a single, normal, well adjusted man. I told her to avoid twitter.
wow he looks just like him
I wonder if those Gmail password hackers know how much my dog hates having to learn a new name.
I’m at an age where I don’t spring into action.
I dead of winter into action.
Why isn’t Spiderman’s greatest enemy named Shoeman?
For a moment I thought it was Saturday, but then I realized it’s actually Sunday. The good news is now I have a story to tell at parties
Magician: Is this your card?!
Me: Yes! *turns to children and whispers* Go out to my truck and get my shotgun and rock salt. Daddy found himself a demon.
[Bunch of 6 year olds knock on my door]
“TRICK OR TREAT!”
You kids are in for a real treat…
*slips each of them a copy of my demo tape*
This Viagra show looks cool but they keep cutting away to football
Pilot: “What does this button do?”
*intercom turns on*
Pilot: “Doesn’t do anything. Not sure what any of these buttons do.”
I just watched a video about a 9-year-old kid who recently graduated high school and wants to become an astrophysicist. I had to Google “How do you spell astrophysicist?”
I’m getting targeted ads about chin fat and I’m offended by the relevance.