Hate to drop this while everyone is focused on the debate but I will henceforth be pronouncing “mouth” the way it is pronounced in Dartmouth. Thank you for your time.
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age 9- *jumps off fences, feels fine*
age 19- *jumps off garage on a dare, feels fine*
age 39- *takes Aleve cuz I “slept funny”
How am I supposed to be professional when something at work is called a dongle?
What idiot called it chicken broth when you’re sick and not pharmasoupicals?
Sometimes I swear I’m reading a post about a reliable used car and the whole time it’s a man wishing his wife a happy anniversary
I plan on spending the weekend in a vintage perfume ad (walking, staring, hair, wind).
*pulls up pants*
Oh, you said ANNUAL review. Well, this is embarrassing. But just for reference, how’d I do?
I asked a millennial why she spent so much money on her wedding. She said you only get married once, then I laughed and laughed.
dont think ive ever laughed as hard over a halloween costume
Someone recently asked me, “What blood type are you?”..
I said , “The red runny type”.
Shout out to that lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my speedo
Me: Check it out! I’m juggling!
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You’re supposed to use more than one ball.
Me: Can’t you just be happy for me?
Boss: I don’t want to be disturbed today.
Me: I don’t want to be disturbed either yet here we are.
What the hell did you order?
– me when the drive thru line isn’t moving
[a doomsday prepper whose rations from Y2K just ran out today emerging from his shelter] hey everyone hows it going
I drink Boba and Capri Suns because I like to stab things before I enjoy them.
Tonight at bedtime my”not tired”4yr said he wanted to pack his things and leave which really affected me. Because NONE OF THIS SHIT IS HIS!
roman soldier: “jesus has been crucified as instructed”
emperor: “he is dead?”
roman soldier: “yes my liege”
[3 days later]
emperor: “dave, can i have a word?”
Me: You should know I’m alliterate
Her: You mean illiterate?
Me: No, not necessessfully
Do you think Ariel ate the scallops whose shells she wears as a bra or that she just found them?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
Me: I wonder what the wicked witch’s name is.
7: Ding Dong.
Me: What?
7: The song says, Ding Dong the Witch is dead.
Me: Oh. My. God. 😂
Pretty funny that turtles are always in uniform. It’s like lighten up, turtles. The war is over.
My kid’s latest drawing. Guys, should I be disturbed? I am disturbed.
If you’ve figured out one woman then you’ve figured out one woman
My teenager just stuck one of her AirPods in my ear and Eminem was playing. She looked me dead in the eye, as if I haven’t blasted this a million times, and had the audacity to ask, “isn’t he good?””
My brother never donates blood because he hates the thought that his blood is having more fun in somebody else than it ever did in him.
$4.99 for a box of saltines? My neighborhood grocery store thinks it’s a Whole Foods now.
Life hack: McDonald’s will deliver if you tell them that you are holding Ronald hostage for a ransom of [your desired food order]
Me: I’m a little tea pot short and stout here is my handle here is my—
Wife: *jumping outta bed* it’s too weird
Put together a list of the PROS and CONS of pizza for those of you who are on the fence!
Rise and shine, let us get back to normal life today 😂😂😂