Pro: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Con: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
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You know you’re from New Jersey when going through security & they only wand your hair!
Those three magical words:
“Where’s the plunger?”
…żyje?
Vacations in your single 20s: backpacking Europe, hiking a Hawaiian volcano, relaxing poolside in St Croix with a book & a cocktail
Vacations in your 40s with kids: WHY IS SAND ON EVERYTHING, STOP FIGHTING, NO DESSERT FOR YOU, WE’RE ALL GOING TO BED EARLY
Marriage is like when you were a kid on Easter and saw this HUGE chocolate bunny in your basket.
But it was hollow. And white chocolate.
5 just handed me the household nunchucks and said, “here, you’re in charge now.”
KID: I drew you a picture!
ME: What’s this?
KID: Our house.
ME: What’s the orange stuff?
KID: Fire.
ME: Why’s the house on fire?
KID: I want a PS4.
We made fun of recipe bloggers for including stories but now online recipes are actual hell. It used to be a cute story about a trip to Italy but now you have to search through “17 techniques for chopping garlic” and “8 tools you could use for garlic chopping (Amazon links included)” and 12 ads to MAYBE find the recipe.
There is no doubt in my mind, I would trade my ovaries for another liver.
Mustaches are just nose hairs that believed in themselves
It’s actually illegal to see your neighbour washing his car and not say ‘You can do mine next if you want!’.
Twitter is my serious account, the funny one is my bank account.
Them: What’s your writing process like?
Me: Pretty intense. Very solitary. Organized. Inspired.
My writing process:
[at a chemistry convention]
Him: “You’re so-dium cute, but are you always this salty?”
Me: “Na, not always. Just periodically.”
CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATOR: the cause of death is blunt force trauma
CRIME SCENE INVESTICROCODILE: I think your rounded snout looks stupid
When the DJ puts Thriller on at the wedding
*sees melted chocolate swirling in tv ad*
ooooh yeah
*raisins fall into the chocolate in slo mo*
nooooo
*punches hole in wall*
A horse, a penguin and a chimp walked into a bar and that’s when I realised I was drunk.
If aliens come I hope they bring us a new animal to eat. I’ve about had it with beef and chicken.
I pet my dog and he didn’t wag his tail. Is he seeing someone else? Is the magic gone? Do we need to spice things up? I’ll dress like a cat.
I like to keep my New Year’s goals simple and attainable so this year I have resolved to neither fly in a hydrogen-filled dirigible nor to become an ordained rabbi. I’m placing my chances of success at just north of 62.5%.
Gandhi would go on fasts for weeks and remain peaceful. I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
i’m gonna start paying to get trapped in an escape room just for an hour of alone time
It sucks you can’t google something happening in your life. What does my neighbor Derek do for work
Wife: “Did you lock the backdoor?”
Me: “Yes I did.”
Burglar from downstairs: “No he didn’t!”
When you get to jail, challenge the biggest, baddest guy in there to rock, paper, scissors in front of all his friends
Either I just stepped in dog shit or the stench of my parent’s disappointment has started following me around.
Brain: “something is wrong”
Me: “what is it?”
Brain: “you gotta guess ”
Just a phase…