Beaver 1: our house has been flooded…
Beaver 2: dam
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IDEA FOR COURTROOM SKETCH ARTISTS: a camera
Relationship status:
My neighbour/girlfriend was kidnapped but she’s ok now, I was caught.
More like Kate Missington.
son: dad, why didn’t you want to cut the umbilical cord when I was born?
me: [doing jump rope between him and my wife] it’s called planning ahead, son
my 8yr old daughter has to touch 3 cats before she can do anything.
we only have two cats.
I think Grandma enjoyed giving everyone the wrong impression saying her friend Iris died by the needle when she was actually stabbed during knitting club.
He is on that bird call website a lot.
– My Mom describing me on twitter to older relatives at get-togethers.
The fact that there are countless First Responders alongside the street tells me everything I need to know about running marathons.
5: I’ll fix it when you say “sorry” fifty times
3: ok. sorry fifty times
Kid: Everything poops?
Me: Kinda
K: Trees don’t poop
M: Trees produce waste, which in their case is oxygen
K: So we’re breathing tree poop?
M:
K:
M: Don’t you have XBox to play or something?
I’m not gonna wear uggs or crocs or any other shoe that sounds like a noise my body makes involuntarily.
*Hears sound in the middle of the night*
Mildly afraid – it’s an intruder.
Absolutely terrified – it’s going to wake my toddler.
Dad Hack: get your teen’s attention instantly by pre-heating the oven.
Her: “chicks dig scars”
Wolverine: “damn it”
I hate when my therapist “makes a note” because I know that means she’s gonna try and circle back … but she wildly underestimates my filibuster skills.
Went to Target to look at discounted Christmas stuff but apparently it’s Valentine’s Day now.
oh you don’t want my dog to bark at you? then why would you stand calmly within a 2 mile radius of my house
me: this is so crazy it might just work *opens latch to let out hundreds of pigeons that I have tied to me*
her: nope just crazy
me: *covered in pigeon poo* you’re right I need more pigeons
if you watch Titanic from d back; it’s about dead people resurrecting from the sea, pulling up a ship fixing it and sailing to England
heck is a place for people who don’t believe in gosh. danged for eternity.
Vampire: *getting impaled*
Please. My heart. It’s very stick..
FRIEND: What’s the movie, where they bring that monster to life and then have to destroy it?
[at the same time]
HER: Frankenstein.
ME: Frosty the Snowman.
*pastes on mayonnaise in place of roll on deodorant
I caved and put on a movie for my kid and her playdate but told her in this house we call movies “arts and crafts” in case her parents ask what she did here.
You’d think Bowser would start locking the front door of his castle after the first time Mario just walked right in like he owned the joint.
Wife: Where’s your dad?
Son: He’s sunbathing in Nepal.
Wife: He’s what?
Son: Himalayan out.
I can’t grab a drink with you after work. I am limiting my liquids since I am wearing a jumpsuit
When Plan ‘A’ and Plan ‘B’ don’t work..
Plan ‘Shaggy’:
Say it wasn’t you.
6: I’m hungry
Me: Well it’s almost dinner time so no snacks right now
6: If it’s almost dinner why aren’t you in the kitchen?
Husband: Oh no
[Therapist appt.]
Hub: She doesn’t have her priorities straight.
*Me on FaceTime with a petting zoo in the background* “That’s not true”