Goodnight honey.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
The stork flies them in.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Wind resistance. Go to sleep.
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Kill them with kindness, you say?
*slowly and sadly puts down bazooka*
[dinner party at spooky castle]
host: so NONE of you will leave here tonight..
guests: *gasp*
host: ..without a HUG!
Me: I’m on a diet.
Random: a diet is just what you eat. Technically everyone is on a diet.
Me: do you want to go fishing? Don’t worry about what the bucket and bags of cement are for.
“Oh, you decided to close your bedroom door with me on the outside? Allow me to sing you the song of my people.”
-my cat
Wrestling is obviously fake.
Why would two people fight
over a belt when neither of
them are wearing pants?
I know I’m not great at math, but I just can’t figure out how to 28 packs of fruit snacks are gone in 2.5 days when the kids say they “barely ate any.”
OK doomscrolling is bad but have you SEEN the quality of the doom this week?
(People Touring My House 50 Years After I Die)
TOUR GUIDE: And over here we found a second secret room ALSO full of bacon.
If you do the Macarena while you cold call people to ask about their political opinions that makes you a poll dancer.
dad: where do you think you’re going
me: *caught applying for an art history degree* uh nowhere?
Pro tip: never tell a three-year-old that you’re going to Disney unless you plan on leaving that very second.
Me: *just woke up*
My gym bro: dude you look like you just woke up
Me: *panics in just have been woken up*
Raccoons are riding wild hogs into battle against the possums. I guarantee you the media will be completely silent about it.
Before we announce the winner of the Best Bomb Defuser award let’s pause for a moment to remember the runner-ups
*gets abducted by aliens*
*immediately asks aliens if they’re familiar with the benefits of essential oils*
*gets returned by aliens*
I bet Harvard is pretty pissed it doesn’t have a comma named after it.
Kanye West should open up a vegan restaurant called Imma Let You Spinach
Teach your kids how to drive a car, get a job, cook, & do laundry from day one. The quicker they learn this, the faster they can move out.
Are you watching too much T.V but not doing enough reading? Turn your subtitles on. Boom, problem solved!
Weird how James Bond was always like, ‘I’m 007’ like just be 7
If “six degrees” is true, somebody tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell Scarlett Johansson I said “Hi.”
Him: Your body is like poetry
Me: That’s so nice!
H: A haiku
M:..
H: Little on the top, big in the middle, little on the bottom
M: Just stop
*Throws up some gang signs*
*stabs self in eye with salad fork*Hubs: Next time you do the Macarena, put your fork down.
My 3-year-old stubbed his toe and then cried and screamed I’M DYING,” so I silently looked at my husband and he sighed and said, “I know. He got that from me.”
I’ve dated a guy who collected stained glass and wore bowling gloves so don’t talk to me about standards.
I don’t watch a lot of UFC fights, but when I do, I like to pause them when someone gets punched or trapped in a weird position, and say, “I bet you’re wondering how I got here”
you ever think about how “welp” is just the modern English version of “alas”
I enjoy how fitbit tracks the calories I burn just by being alive. I like getting credit for that.
“Wow, cell phones are getting ridiculously big.”
“That’s a smart car.”