My 3yo just realized that when he’s an adult he can drive himself to get donuts and he’s gonna need a minute
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Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them.
*checks real estate listings on other planets*
[wife putting groceries away]
“where’s the bread?”
i got mugged
“specifically for bread?”
[cuts to me feeding a duck i hide in the shed]
yes
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
Give a baker flours on your first date.
If my reaction to seeing a spider is anything like the rest of yours, we are not going to fare well as a species when aliens invade
imagine prince eric watching ariel get her voice back in the little mermaid and finding out she sounds exactly like donald duck
I tell people my parents are divorced, but technically we lost my mom in a corn maze
[death row]
Guard: alright tough guy one last meal
Me: a cyanide pill
Guard: what? no we want to kill you!
Me: too bad
Guard: aw man
My toddler has discovered this new thing that makes her laugh uncontrollably and it’s watching her parents try to swat a fly
confronts reality
pokes it in the eye
Life begins and ends with diaper rash, so enjoy the time in between.
Oh sure you’re having a bad day, but did you buy grapes with seeds by mistake?
Our 50 favourite Christmas tweets of 2021.
I’ve never done Russian Roulette, but I have been in a public bathroom stall with a child who knows how to open doors.
DATING TIP: Be a gentleman. Hold her door. Hold her hand. Hold her purse. Hold her for ransom. Demand a chopper. Fly away. Start a new life.
Pretty sure they warned us about this on the Book of Revelations.
2 Smurfs stand over a body…
“What happened?”
“Choked on a sandwich.”
“Nobody helped?”
“No.”
“Didn’t they see him turning bl-”
“…”
“Oh.”
I’m not saying they’re stupid, but certain people I know would use a broom on a fire extinguisher after reading “sweep side to side”
Doctor: does mental illness run in your family?
Me: I do have an aunt that’s a morning person.
a 9-5 is two hours of work and 6 hours of anxiously trying to justify my existence to my employer
“i’ll be back”
–arnold schwarzenegger getting into a 2-man horse costume
[private investigator hands me a folder] well she’s not cheating on you
[looking though numerous photos of my wife refrigerating bread] oh god no
*aliens return to ship*
ALIEN LEADER: Where are the humans?
“We left them”
AL: Why?
“They didn’t look anything like their selfies in rl”
All I want for Christmas is someone to love and a horse solves crimes.
A Navidad is just a normal Dad that never has to ask for directions.
“Here taste this ” followed by a 32 minute speech on all the ingredients.
Ancient guys used to invent good stuff because they never had to untangle their headphones seventy three times every day.
Me: *just woke up*
My gym bro: dude you look like you just woke up
Me: *panics in just have been woken up*
What if Creature From the Black Lagoon’s real name was Gary and “Creature” was just a mean nickname he got in middle school