I sure have purchased an inordinate amount of ringtones, for someone who keeps their phone on Silent.
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Why do bad things happen to good people? To even out the good things that happen to bad people.
What I said: it’s bedtime
What my kid heard: put on a Batman mask and check the hallways for crime
That moment when you see candid pics of yourself, taken from behind while out walking and it just confirms you look like a giant chicken nugget propped up on two waffle cones.
Screaming into a pillow is therapeutic but it also gets you kicked out of Target.
Went to the car wash and asked for one of those Brazilian wax jobs everyone’s been talking about.
Coworker: How did your review go?
Me: I don’t know…I thought playing “Epic” by Faith No More was a strong symbolic start…
Coworker:
Me: Apparently putting a live, flailing fish on her desk was lost on her too.
“my 7th grader is reading at a 9th grade level” ok big deal, my doctor told me my body is aging at a 73 year old level.
Every time someone puts “taken” in their bios, Liam Neeson starts killing people.
In the 1930s, there was an outbreak of exploding trousers in New Zealand. Farmers had used a herbicide that became explosive when it dried.
Damn, girl. Are you King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table?
Cause I just Camelot.
*pounding on Sunday’s still chest*
STAY WITH ME GODDAMMIT STAY WITH ME
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
All I’ve ever really wanted is a modest little home, nothing fancy. A usable kitchen, a yard for the dog, a sprawling bookcase-accessible secret Victorian library with a minimum of three rolling ladders and a kindly ghost librarian. I don’t ask for much.
guys love flexing “i’m self made” so is amoeba what’s your point
*gets a paper cut opening a bill*
Ah, yes, capitalism.
I was on a date with a girl and she said “did you notice my finger nails?” And I was like “yes” and she was like “well I have no arms”
PLOT TWIST: Maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnuts.
the greatest twitter interaction
Marvellous mathematical takedown of a Motivational Poster
God inventing dogs like “what if your best friend sometimes pooped in your living room and ate your shoes?”
I saved my Q tip so I could ask my husband if my earwax looked normal when he woke up. This is marriage.
COP: Freeze!!!
EXCEL: LOL no problem
Why is tater the only food in tot form? We can do better. We deserve better. We demand better.
Before I proposed to my GF I asked her father but he was already married.
Where would we be without behavioral economics to deliver us such scorching insights as “try to make an appealing profile” and “swipe right on guys you like.”
Welcome to your 40’s where the small print appears to have gotten a lot smaller!
I met 500 new people in the last four months and I remember all of them just not their names or faces
Santa Claus is the omicron superspreader
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
me: time to hit the hay
wife: you’re going to bed?
me: no i just really *clenches fists* hate hay