[street fight]
Come at me bro!!
*guy rips off his shirt revealing bulging muscles
*I rip off my shirt revealing another shirt & run away
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Best mom ever 😂
If you eat a whole taco before your family gets to the table they won’t know you started without them
I don’t have an insurance policy on myself because there’s no sense in tempting my wife more than she already is.
*goes outside*
*realises it’s entirely too windy to be wearing a skirt*
*regrets today’s choice of underwear*
Since the summer Olympics got postponed a year, that means I still have time to master ribbon gymnastics.
[My cooking show]
Me: Today we’ll be roasting a pig. Kevin, come on up.
Kevin: *crying*
Scientology, because even Jehovah Witnesses need something to laugh at after a hard day of knocking on doors.
If I walk to McDonald’s and back, the strawberry shake doesn’t count, right?
They didn’t want anyone Trick-or-Treating last night, so I went Christmas caroling.
Thinking about the time we told our 5 yo we were moving and he said he was gonna miss us.
Establish your dominance with the drive-thru attendant by saying, “That completes my order” before they ask.
Sober or not if a cop ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
Haha there’s a squirrel on the fence and he’s walking back and forth like he can’t make up his mind because he’s on the fence.
Therapist: So what happened in your last relationship?
I lost him to addiction.
Therapist: I’m so sorry. Drugs?
Yes please.
If a little light yodeling doesn’t solve all your problems, then I don’t know what to tell yoooo-dooleeOoou.
Can’t wait until my wife hears that someone tried to throw a wood-mounted singing largemouth bass in the garbage because it ran out of batteries
I have to stop saying “Because I’m Batman” all the time. It’s not cute anymore. Oh wait. Yea it is! You know why? Because I’m Batman.
Kinda pissed that I have to take my dog to the vet and not the dogtor.
If the prescription has anal leakage as a side effect, I’m not going to be playing nearly as much tennis as the guy in the ads
I love my job at Amazon. At first I thought that wearing a catheter to work to avoid bathroom breaks was unreasonable, but after several sessions of deep hypnosis with the company therapist I’ve come to realize that the catheter is just a part of my body—a body of the future.
Language is cool because it’s just a bunch of sounds, but put them in the right order & you can make someone cry or you can order tacos.
I won a cozy blanket at work today and pissed off a lot of people. It was awesome.
Catholic mass is just Catholic force divided by Catholic acceleration
Girl: I like good boys
Me [trying to impress her]: *shapeshifts into a pack of smiley golden retrievers*
Who called it an allergist and not an antisneeziologist?
My 8 yo has learned how to play Chuck Berry’s “my ding a ling” on the piano. I’m proud and also in hell. Please help.
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the sock puppet at home tomorrow
OKAY IF YOU CANNOT HAVE CAKE AND EAT IT TOO WHAT EXACTLY IS THE PURPOSE OF CAKE
me: i’d love to go out with u but i am 198,000 bells in debt
bf: ur what
me: that raccoon drives a hard bargain ok
bf: the what
me: nook. he built me a house and pretty much all the residents rely on me and—
bf: wh—
me: —basically what i’m saying is i’m busy