My wife’s job is to announce our exit is two miles away when we pass a big sign that says our exit is two miles away.
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Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
My boss has stopped letting me leave early for my son’s Little League games ever since he learned he’s in his second year of college.
A couch nap with a little kid on your stomach is the best sleep you can ever have. It’s like a weighted blanket whose college you gotta pay for.
If the Earth was really flat, all the cats would have pushed everything off it by now.
Yeah but how many of you can say you’ve managed to get your head stuck in the strings of a piano
Halloween gig memory. Playing a nursing home. A lady in a wheelchair started inching forward; about two feet per song. She made it to the front of the stage, smiled and gestured for the microphone. I gave it to her. She yelled, as loud as she could, “GO HOOOOOOOME.” Show over!
I’m a cat person. I sleep all day and spend the rest of the time trying to convince my wife I haven’t eaten yet.
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
they always announce when a famous person dies but they never announce when a famous person is born
My dad said it’s important to carry a compass when I go hiking, in case I ever get lost. I have no idea how drawing perfect circles will help, but I’m not one to question authority.
Trojan: Pricier than some other brands, yet still cheaper than Enfamil, Gerber, Pampers, Graco, Fisher-Price, Playskool, Lego, Melissa & Do-
Me: *mouth full* When pizza’s on a bagel, you can eat pizza anytime.
Widow: I still think you could have waited until after the service.
a pez dispenser but for teeny tiny eclairs
It took three nurses to pull me off of that doctor after he told me I need to give up potatoes.
Men only want ONE THING and it’s to have a portrait hidden in their attic that becomes ugly and twisted while they remain young and beautiful forever
Woke up with a hangover to the sound of my neighbor cutting the grass. He can cut around me, I’m not movin’.
Me: I got the vaccine!
MIL: I’m coming for a visit
Me: I don’t want it anymore!
*gets first nose bleed since childhood*
Apparently our periods have synced, can I have some Midol and a tampon?
the “b” and “d” in “backward” are really just there as an example
Me: Please?
Daycare worker: No.
Me:
DW:
Me:
DW: For the last time, you’re not allowed to come in to just look at the babies.
Me: DAYCARES ARE BABY ZOOS!
Date: so what do you do
Me: i build dog houses
Date: oh you’re an “arf”itect lol
Me: haha good one
Date:
Me: (under breath) it’s “bark”itect
When I was a kid we didn’t have to come home until the street lights came on, and sometimes our parents shot them out on purpose.
You should never text and drive. All it takes is one moment of distraction and suddenly everyone in the group chat thinks you can’t spell.
Hear me out.. fashion bibs for adult messy eaters, like me
Little Mermaid remake: Ariel falls in love after seeing the tender way Prince Eric holds a fish in his Tinder profile.
I refuse to watch shows like “Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader?” because I already know I’m not.
[about to have sex]
her: I can tell this is your first time
me: *opening box of bees* did you bring any birds
Get your ski mask. We’re pulling off a popsicle factory heist. I got the strawberry shortcakes. Leave no creamsicle behind.
HER [sits seductively on my lap] The more you tip…the more I’ll take off
ME [reaches for wallet] This is such a weird way to cut hair