9: Can I rent an otter?
Me: Uh, I haven’t had my second cup of coffee yet I can’t do this conversation right now
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mugger: gimme your wallet
me: me or her?
mugger: I don’t care
me: *looks at date* I mean I did pay for dinner
I take my kids on vacation because I think it’s important for them to experience new and exciting places where they can cry for more screen time
I just sent a screen shot of my drunken tweets to my friends & they are still asking if I can come pick them up
Teachers are getting ridiculous with sending out homeschooling projects.
We have an English and History assignment due in two days and we don’t even have kids.
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney you’re some big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys ppl get very upset
Opening dryer:
Me: where’s the left sock?!
Parallel universe me: where’s the right sock?!
Other parallel universe me: extra pair again! Thank you, sock gods!
Do not play Yahtzee with squirrels
The person with duct tape holding most of their car together always has the right-of-way.
I see velociraptor is trending in the United Kingdom.
I knew I should have paid for a stronger lock on that paddock.
Mosquitoes:
Noah: *eyes narrow*
I’m about to lose 20 pounds.
*Releases the weight of everyone’s expectations off my shoulders.
What do you mean your “water broke”? Did the H2 fall off the O?
women and their purses! haha what’s in there. tampons? lol. WATER? sweater? got sweaters? do you have an extra men’s medium sweater in there
YOU: Do you have any healthy snacks in this house?
ME: I donut
Shoutout to all the guests at my wedding that forever held their peace……WHAT THE HELL DID I EVER DO TO YOU?!?!
well well well, if it isn’t the consequences (dying of the plague) of my own actions (putting a rat i found in an alley under my hat to help me cook hotdogs better)
BAKER: Baking is a science that requires precision, timing, and accurate measurements. OK… 11, 12, 13. Anyway, here’s a dozen cupcakes.
DMV LADY: *showing my new license photo* Do you want to retake it?
Me: no I just look like that
Does anyone know how to get to Sesame Street? Elmo owes me money.
The worst thing about dating is bringing a nice guy home after dinner, only to find your husband home early from work.
[speed dating]
Me: Have you ever choked someone?
“No I would never do something like that”
Me: Next
“No, no, I’m fine. This is how I live now.”
-Me laying face down on the floor
When young and in college, still living at home, I invited my little sister into the room to chat while I wrapped presents. She might have lasted 2 minutes before uttering a disgusted “Give me that!” and taking over. So one year in 60 my presents have looked good.
Gay guys don’t listen to girls talk either, but we do have the good sense to say “I know, right?!” while we wait for our turn to talk.
Didn’t realize how much motherhood had changed me until I army crawled in & out of my sleeping baby’s room to get my 1/2 cup of cold coffee.
Everyone at my funeral gets a baseball bat, the last one standing gets all my stuff.
A Peeping Tom was hospitalized after falling out of a tree. Appropriately in the ICU.
M: I’m so glad school started!
12: Can you help me with my math?
M: OMG WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?!
Anyone who wants to learn how to be humble, feel free to talk to me. There’s nothing like learning from the best.
On the toilet for 20 minutes. Wish you were here.