Wait for it. (You won’t regret it).
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Previously On Persistence 😎
You: hello
Me: Ok here’s why you’re wrong
“My fellow Americans-”
Barack
“we are working tirelessly-”
Sir
“to make sure-”
Barack. You’re still wearing ur xbox headset
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
[NASA job interview]
Interviewer: So it says on your résumé, Mars 2006-2013. Wow!
Me: Yes, then I had five years at Cadbury’s and I’m currently at Nestlé.
Interviewer: Get out.
People with nuclear weapons are now effectively calling each other poopy pants. I’m gonna stop coming to work now.
My dog is LIVID with me because I’ve just let another dog walk by our house and done nothing about it
what if plants could talk but they are still in shock from seeing the dinosaurs
home depot should sell a 12ft turkey skeleton for thanksgiving
My Alexa overheard my Roombas talking and, long story short, I now have 114 Roombas in my living room circling their god, Alexa.
A dating app for people who self sabotage called Hinder.
People say I have the legs of a dancer. But until they find the rest of the body, the cops have nothing on me, man!
It’s hard to take no prisoners in a war against puppies.
YOU CAN’T BUY HOT POCKETS YOU CAN ONLY BUY COLD POCKETS YOU ARE EXPECTED SUPPLY THE HEAT YOURSELF DONT BELIEVE THE LIES.
Friend graduated Harvard this weekend, but last night I got a 95/100 from the c-pap.
6, during a homeschool lesson: Mommy, Grandma says it’s a good thing you didn’t become a teacher…
Me: Well, Grandma’s probably right.
6:…but that you should have done SOMETHING with your life.
4 out of 5 dentists now say eat all the candy you want. 4 out of 5 dentists also want to upgrade their yachts.
“How much for this melted ghost?”
Sir that’s a bed sheet
“You have a lot of them! And they’re packaged? IS THIS GHOST HELL”
This is a Macys
Sometimes I spend so much time on Twitter in the bathroom that I actually pee twice.
COP: I need to see some ID
ME: [hands him ID]
COP: this isn’t yours
ME: you said “some”
COP: lol wow good point you’re free to go
4: Mommy, you’re just like a Disney movie. We should play pretend.
Me: Aww! Sure!
4:You can be the Beast.
Me: …
4: Or the fat sea witch!
I put a potato down my pants to impress a girl. Next time I’ll put it down the front.
Pro Tip: You can disable the surveillance camera in your microwave by heating a metal fork on the high setting for 7 minutes.
Me- Can I borrow a screwdriver? Neighbor- Phillips or regular? Me- Grey Goose and Tropicana
Any wedding can be a fairy tale wedding if you serve porridge and release three angry bears into the reception hall
I love the idea of a fruitarian, just morally affronted that anyone could eat a baby spinach.
My husband and I are looking for someone to play the harmonica while we have sex, no weirdos please.
Me: (singing along with the car radio)
Friend: You know why this artist sings this song?
Me: No, why?
Friend: So you don’t have to.
me: i’m sad about this thing
therapist: but it’s not about that thing
me: ok thx here’s $175